Dear Tide with Bleach,

I’m 48, and make about $75,000 a year. Currently my wife and I need $60,000 for home upgrades. We have about $350,000 of equity in our house and are thinking about tapping into that to finance the repairs. However my wife’s worried about the chance of rising interest rates hurting us if we get a HELOC, and has instead offered to start selling drugs to kids at the local high school. What I want to know is what sort of margins can we expect to earn from common street drugs – marijuana, crystal meth, ecstasy, et al. Also, what steps do we need to go through to get a bridge loan from our bank to set this all up?

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Before Boating
Before putting your boat in the water in the spring, take it to a professional boat mechanic to have him thoroughly inspect it. If his skill at repairing boats threatens your sense of self worth, don’t panic! Remove your shirt, and begin flexing your back muscles in a nautical fashion. Your display of seamanship-worthiness will impress him, and you’ll escape with a boat in prime shape for a season of boating.

Don’t overcrowd
Never overcrowd your boat, as excess weight will reduce it’s performance. When drawing up your passenger manifest, remember that women are lighter than men, and women without clothes are lighter than women with clothes. If your passengers complain or question your motives, hold your ground! The increased performance of your boat will be proof enough to silence their bleating.

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-ring-

Hey, what’s up?

Ha! Seriously? Lost where?

You know all the streets out there are on a grid right? So long as you know which way is north, it’s impossible to get lost.

You don’t know which way is north. Ok fine. You’ve got a sextant right?

Check the trunk. No I’m serious. A lot of older cars have them.

Ok fine. Now listen carefully, because this is very important. I want you to slow down and look at a tree. Right, which side of it is the moss growing?

There’s no moss? Where are you, Mordor? Then it’s already too late my friend.

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“Daddy, what’s global warming?”

“Well, that’s a pretty complicated question. Basically it means that the earth is slowly getting warmer and warmer over time.”

“Why?”

“Well humans keep releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, which build up and cause the suns energy to get trapped.”

“Why?”

“Hmmm. Ok, you know when you fart?”

“Yeah! Hee hee hee!”

“Yeah, I bet you do. Anyways, you know how when you’re in bed and you fart, it gets all warm and stinky in there?”

“Hee hee! Yeah!”

“Well that’s what humans are doing. We’re farting and farting and farting, and all of our farts are getting stuck in the atmosphere, which is like our bed blankets. And it’s making the earth all warm and stinky.”

“I get it!”

“Yeah! The technical term for this is ‘A Dutch Oven.’”

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10: Strenuously claim to friends that although I am 27 years old the hamsters are in fact pets, and not for sex.

9: Misread urban legend, spend several hours attempting to get high by licking the back of hamsters.

8: Debate the merits of supply-side economics with staunchly conservative hamster pundits. Win debate by sealing pundits in transparent plastic ball; rolling down stairs.

7: Place hamster in slingshot, stretch slingshot back as far as it can go, hold for 10 seconds then gently ease back on the tension. Explain to hamster that he has just learned an important lesson about trust.

6: Attempt to teach hamsters simple tricks, like “Fetch.” Start with small objects capable of being fetched by individual hamster, but imagine moving up to larger objects that require several hamsters acting in unison to fetch. Envision lively cocktail parties where drink trays are propelled across the floor by hamster teams; newspaper society columns declaring me Host of the Year. Grow bored with hamsters when “Fetch” training stalls. Forget about box of hamsters for two weeks.

5: Have adorable funeral for 3 hamsters that died of neglect. Make heartfelt promises about always caring for hamsters. Later decide promises were unrealistic, and made when emotions were running high, thus legally invalid. Dump out box of hamsters in backyard, let nature take its course.

4: Nature takes its course via its preferred technique of sweaty fucking. Backyard hamster population grows rapidly.

3: Become alarmed at large city of Hamsters that develops in backyard. Called Hamstropolis, and composed entirely of transparent plastic tubes, the Hamster civilization develops its technology rapidly.

2: 6 months later hear knock on back of door. Hamstropolis has since expanded largely underground so am shocked to find out hamsters have rapidly evolved. They are bipedal now, approximately 5 feet tall, and still adorable. The knock on my door was from Hamster emissaries come to treaty with me for trade rights. After lengthy negotiations centering around lettuce tarrifs, treaty is complete! Hamster emissaries explain how deals are concluded in their culture.

1: Sex with hamsters.

JENKINS
Ok, people! A bit of quiet please? Yes, that means you too Tom. Ha! How much have you had to drink anyways? Ha! No, seriously though Tom. Shut the fuck up.

Jenkins waits for the audience to quiet down.

JENKINS
Well, we all know why we’re here tonight don’t we? Because they wouldn’t let us in the TGI Friday’s! Ha, seriously though! Our dear friend Phil will soon be leaving the IntertechCo family. I’m sure you all know Phil. He’s the gentleman on my right who’s looking slightly embarrassed by all this. What’s that? Oh, not embarrassed. You sure? Looking a little flushed there pal. Oh, it’s the gin! Everyone calm down, it’s just the gin!

A ripple of laughter spreads through the audience.

JENKINS
Where was I? Oh right. Phil: our coworker, our friend and my boss. Now, I was asked to come up here and reflect on some of the good times we’ve all had working with Phil, and if possible, maybe even embarrass him a little bit. . So what do we remember about Phil? Well the loud beefy farts for one. I recall one time in his office he was playing with the controls on his chair, pretending that the power of his own flatulence was lifting him off the ground. [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

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SCENE: A brightly lit CIRCUS

ANNOUNCER
And now, the incredible flying Gorgonzo!

GORGONZO a CLOWN enters. He is happy and full of life. He is also DOOMED. He waves to the crowd, dons a leather helmet, then enters an oversized CANNON. An ASSISTANT steps up and lights a playfully large fuse. The crowd tenses as the fuse reaches the cannon. Suddenly, a violent explosion. A shower of GORE flies out the front of the cannon. There is CLOWN everywhere. A deathly silence hangs in the air for a second before the WAILING of hundreds of CHILDREN fills the void.

Cut to the FORENSIC TEAM SQUAD! arriving on the scene.

BISHOP, STEVE, and LISA enter the circus tent. BISHOP and STEVE make their way towards the CANNON. LISA stops halfway, to look at a poster.

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Before you hit the slopes

Get in shape during the off season.. Try flexing in front of the mirror. Now bend over and cup your ass. Pout your lips a bit. Say “Aren’t I a sexy, sexy man” a few times. Do you feel something? That’s called the BURN. Keep feeling it. You’re doing great!

At the ski shop, don’t waste your time listening to the staff, and all their talk about “the right skis for your height” or “appropriate skill level” or “those are children’s skis” You want those red skis and you are getting those red skis.

When buying ski wear, you needn’t sacrifice style for comfort. Just remember to dress in layers: Start with long underwear and a long sleeved t-shirt, add a turtleneck sweater, your snow pants and jacket, then get a friend to cut the ass out of the whole ensemble. Who’s that handsome man skiing down the slope? It’s you!

Hunting for the right pair of gloves? When trying them on, try playing with yourself a bit in the store. Don’t worry, the staff won’t mind. They expect this. How does it feel? Is it like a stranger giving you a handjob? Now try it with mittens.

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It took me awhile to remember why I wrote this. I think someone was stringing random words together on a forum where I used to hang out, and came up with “Vagina Liaison.” Naturally, I took it and ran.

As a trained vagina liaison, I get asked alot of questions:

Q: When storing firewood in my vagina, how much is too much?
A: As much as is comfortable, provided you keep your vagina away from open flame.

Q: My husband and I smoke after sex, yet neither of us enjoy cigarettes. Why is that?
A: I’m not sure.

Q: Because I need to lubricate my vagina!
A: I see.

Q: My vagina sometimes emits a high-pitched squealing sound when decelerating. What is that?
A: Your vagina is a car, and will likely need new brake pads.

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Steady. Aim carefully. Squeeze the…

“I think we should talk.”

I hit pause and looked up at Beth, the pause/status screen for Halo2 flickering in the background. Well this doesn’t sound good.

“I see.”

“I don’t think you’re taking our relationship seriously enough.”

Is that all? I thought this was going to be difficult. Focusing my mental energy to talk her down from the ledge that was her addled female mind, I said:

“I think I’m taking our relationship very seriously. But first I think we need to define what we mean by ‘serious.’ I mean this isn’t like ‘buying a house’ serious.”

“Oh?”

“No, it’s more like… ‘buying a can of soup’ serious.”

Beth put on her ‘Beth is furious’ face. “You’re saying our relationship is about as important to you as a typical soup purchase?”

I sensed I was falling into a trap, but could see no way out.

“Approximately, yes.”

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