One Side Of A Phone Call With A Friend Lost In The Suburbs



Hey, what’s up?

Ha! Seriously? Lost where?

You know all the streets out there are on a grid right? So long as you know which way is north, it’s impossible to get lost.

You don’t know which way is north. Ok fine. You’ve got a sextant right?

Check the trunk. No I’m serious. A lot of older cars have them.

Ok fine. Now listen carefully, because this is very important. I want you to slow down and look at a tree. Right, which side of it is the moss growing?

There’s no moss? Where are you, Mordor? Then it’s already too late my friend.

Ok, ok, I’m being serious now. What do the street signs say? 54th and McAllen? Holy cats! That’s the exact same place a girl was brutally murdered 10 years ago on this very night. She was lost and was asking for directions from her friend on the phone when she were murdered by a guy who was in the backseat the whole time!

Seriously, check your backseat.

Ok, you should be safe.

What do you mean I’m not helping? You could have been murdered! Fine! -click-

-ring- -ring-

No, no, no. You’re right. I am sorry. I was angry. I’m sorry I hung up on you.

Also, I’m sorry I deleted your phone number from my phone so that there was no chance I could call you back if I had a change of heart. That was wrong of me. There, look, I’m putting it back right now.

That kind of attitude isn’t going to get you out of this mess now, is it? You’re going to need to calm down if you want to make it out of Murderer Alley alive.

Ok, fine. You’re still on 54th, yeah? And you just passed Stephens? Let me think for a second. You’re actually going in the right way. You should be coming up on Clark. Turn left there.

You’ve turned left? Ok, now keep going until you hit 78th. You’re heading north now incidentally. Seriously, check out the moss. Tell me I’m wrong.

You’re coming up to 78th? Do you see the Subway? Cool. I need you to get a sandwich.

It doesn’t matter if you’re hungry. I’ll eat it. No, it’s mainly because if they catch a single woman driving out there without a sandwich, they murder her.

No the cops wouldn’t lift a finger. That whole area is controlled by sandwich gangs.

Fine! I WILL get my own god damned sandwich!

Listen, I…


Oh calm down. Here’s what you do. You need to make a U-turn on Clark and head back down to 46th. The on-ramp to the freeway is there.

Oh it wasn’t that far out of your way.

Because I wanted a sandwich.

You’re welcome. And when you get back to town I think you should reconsider that idea of getting a little collar with your name and address on it.