Retirement Party


Ok, people! A bit of quiet please? Yes, that means you too Tom. Ha! How much have you had to drink anyways? Ha! No, seriously though Tom. Shut the fuck up.

Jenkins waits for the audience to quiet down.

Well, we all know why we’re here tonight don’t we? Because they wouldn’t let us in the TGI Friday‚Äôs! Ha, seriously though! Our dear friend Phil will soon be leaving the IntertechCo family. I’m sure you all know Phil. He’s the gentleman on my right who’s looking slightly embarrassed by all this. What’s that? Oh, not embarrassed. You sure? Looking a little flushed there pal. Oh, it’s the gin! Everyone calm down, it’s just the gin!

A ripple of laughter spreads through the audience.

Where was I? Oh right. Phil: our coworker, our friend and my boss. Now, I was asked to come up here and reflect on some of the good times we’ve all had working with Phil, and if possible, maybe even embarrass him a little bit. . So what do we remember about Phil? Well the loud beefy farts for one. I recall one time in his office he was playing with the controls on his chair, pretending that the power of his own flatulence was lifting him off the ground. [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

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There’s a piece of mine up over on the front page of The Big Jewel at the moment. It’s called Squirrel, and appropriately enough it’s about a squirrel. Squirrel’s are inherently funny just on their own, but what makes this one so great is that he’s kind of an asshole.

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Embarrassing Screenshots


Unless you’ve obtained a copy of the extremely rare and out of print hardcover version of this website, I’m guessing you’re reading this on a computer. And as a fellow computer user, I’m pretty confident in saying that you do some pretty sick shit on that computer when you think no-one is looking. You probably thank God we don’t live in a nightmarish vision of the future where our most embarrassing moments are documented in a secret government screenshot database. Or do we?

Follow me down the rabbit hole…

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