Excuses for missing your girlfriend’s birthday


Rob Zombie’s in town, like once every 5 years. And you’re getting older every day.

Amazingly enough, it’s actually my anniversary the same day, and my wife gets really picky about me missing that. Alright, I’m just kidding. My wife doesn’t really care either way.

It’s just that when you came to my birthday party this year, none of my friends really liked you, so I didn’t want to inconvenience you in a similar manner. In a way, my only crime here is being too sensitive.

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Cosmo Quiz


Another piece of mine up on the main Cracked page, this time a quiz in the style of Cosmopolitan magazine. Although the title suggests that the quiz will help determine “What Type Of Girl You Are,” in laboratory tests most women found this quiz to be “moderately unhelpful.”

Continue To: Cosmo Quiz: What Kind Of Girl Are You?

Dear Tide with Bleach


Dear Tide with Bleach,

I’m 48, and make about $75,000 a year. Currently my wife and I need $60,000 for home upgrades. We have about $350,000 of equity in our house and are thinking about tapping into that to finance the repairs. However my wife’s worried about the chance of rising interest rates hurting us if we get a HELOC, and has instead offered to start selling drugs to kids at the local high school. What I want to know is what sort of margins can we expect to earn from common street drugs – marijuana, crystal meth, ecstasy, et al. Also, what steps do we need to go through to get a bridge loan from our bank to set this all up?

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Prison Break Season 2 Spoilers!

Have I got a treat for you. During one of my routine trips around the sun, I accidentally sling-shot myself through time to the year 2007, and after some amazing futuristic adventures, have managed to return with something special: a TV Guide from August 18th, 2007 which contains a second season recap of Fox’s hit show Prison Break for readers on the eve of the third season premiere.

Caution: As with most of my experiments with time, this may contain spoilers.

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