Dear Tide with Bleach,

I’m 48, and make about $75,000 a year. Currently my wife and I need $60,000 for home upgrades. We have about $350,000 of equity in our house and are thinking about tapping into that to finance the repairs. However my wife’s worried about the chance of rising interest rates hurting us if we get a HELOC, and has instead offered to start selling drugs to kids at the local high school. What I want to know is what sort of margins can we expect to earn from common street drugs – marijuana, crystal meth, ecstasy, et al. Also, what steps do we need to go through to get a bridge loan from our bank to set this all up?

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Dear Tide with Bleach,

My 2-year son has developed the unfortunate habit of throwing his food around the room at dinner time. My first instinct was to just stop giving him food for a couple weeks, but then I saw on the news that that might be illegal in our state. When I asked Dear Abby, she suggested that if he doesn’t eat his dinner, I should take one of his toys and rip it to shreds in front of him while staring at him with dead, unblinking eyes, but that doesn’t quite seem right to me, so now I’m asking you. Help!
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Dear Tide with Bleach,

I just wanted to write in and thank you for helping me with my never-ending laundry dramas! My husband comes home every day with the most horrible stains on his collared shirts. He usually mumbles something about ‘sloppy Chinese take out food,’ but my woman’s intuition is telling me he’s assaulting homeless men again in his latest misguided attempt to take justice to the streets. Still, I guess that’s my own little cross to bear. Thanks for producing such a lovely product!
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Dear Tide with Bleach,

Why did you cancel Firefly? Because of a short-sighted focus on Nielsen ratings? It was clever, funny, and loved by everyone who saw it. It was the only show in recent memory (aside from the West Wing) that combined the Western and Science Fiction genres in such a seamless fashion. Josh Wedon shits more creative things before 9 AM then most people do all day. Please find enclosed an unknown white powder.
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Dear BLEACH, TIDE W.

Your vehicle, an ORANGE 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo, License Plate: UNREADABLE (#32?), has accumulated $845 in unpaid parking fines in the last 12 months.

This letter is to inform you that as the registered owner of this vehicle, your license is hereby suspended until all outstanding fines are paid. After the parking ticket or judgment has been paid, the authority or court will notify the Parking Citations Unit in writing that the amounts due have been satisfied and your registration will be reinstated and/or registration refusals removed from your vehicle records.
For additional information you may contact the Parking Citations Unit at (608) 267-9791, Monday through Friday, except holidays, from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. or fax a request for information at (608) 266-9905.

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Dear Tide with Bleach,

I just wanted to write and thank you for producing such a fantastic product, and at a terrific value. As a single mother, I can’t tell you how important it is to stretch every dollar!

I was trying to get some stubborn grass stains out of my sons brand new shirt, but my no-name brand of detergent simply wasn’t working! I was flat out of ideas, and at my wits end when the pool-boy came by.

“Have you tried Tide with Bleach?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine.

“No…… but I bet I will soon.” I replied coyly. My loins burned with desire. Laundry-desire. “If only I had something to hang my laundry on to dry.”

“I have a rod you can use.” He moved closer.

Oh Tide with Bleach, I never thought something like this would happen to me!