Continuing my series of hard-hitting investigative reports, is this piece of mine up on the main Cracked site. With a knife clenched firmly in my teeth, this time I dove into the dark and murky depths of the online Japanese costume shop world. Down there I battled terrifying demons and fonts that wouldn’t display on any browser known to man. It was pretty incredible. There were brave feats.
Along with learning a lot about myself, I also learned something interesting about the Japanese:
They’re pretty much completely insane.
Continue To: Insane Japanese Halloween Costumes!
The latest step in my long-term marketing plan to position this blog as the Number #1 portal for desperate loners on the Internet, is this piece up on the main Cracked site, this time a guide on online dating strategies.
So if you’re looking for useful and comical advice on meeting the partner of your dreams online, I highly recommend checking it out.
Or die alone. Whatever.
Continue To: Online Dating Strategies
There is no graceful way to plummet through a suspended ceiling while carrying a bag full of pornography, a fact that I was made aware of quite abruptly. And though my lack of grace is what would bother me most when thinking back upon the event, the possibility that I was now physically incapacitated was far more important at the time. But I was fortunate. Judging by the regions of my body that were screaming in pain, it would appear that I broke my fall by landing entirely on my face.
I rolled onto my back, and consider the other potential repercussion stemming from my sudden entrance to the room. A random polling of every security guard within three miles of me would probably show that my current level of stealthiness was ‘Not very.’ But again fate smiled upon me. After five minutes of lying still and trying not to breathe through my face, no-one had come to check what that enormous crash was.
It has come to my attention recently that my parents are reading this blog. I find this more than a little disquieting, considering the tone of some of the things I’ve written about in past months. Something else to consider is the – oh dear lord – the language. Just as an example, over the last 3 months I’ve used the word “cockburger” more often than the word “there.” I’ve got webstats for this kind of thing.
What this means to you, both my parental and non-parental readers is a drastic change in the tone and subject matter for all future material on this blog. There will be no more frank discussion of intravenous drug use. And no more lists of hilarious names for venereal diseases. And certainly no more of this kind of tomfoolery.
I’m busy working on a couple sweet new things which are sure to redefine the way we perceive comedy in the 21st century, but in the meantime I’ll post this old favorite that I put together back for the Daily News Skim at Pointless Waste Of Time. At the time we were doing a lot of cutting edge news reporting that was getting pretty intense, so for a change of pace I made up this fun little crossword puzzle.
Incidentally, if there’s a separate Pulitzer category for crossword puzzles, I’d appreciate a nomination if anyone’s throwing them around.
Also, a special thanks to the elite News-Skim-Squad for help coming up with all the clues.