Before putting your boat in the water in the spring, take it to a professional boat mechanic to have him thoroughly inspect it. If his skill at repairing boats threatens your sense of self worth, don’t panic! Remove your shirt, and begin flexing your back muscles in a nautical fashion. Your display of seamanship-worthiness will impress him, and you’ll escape with a boat in prime shape for a season of boating.
Never overcrowd your boat, as excess weight will reduce it’s performance. When drawing up your passenger manifest, remember that women are lighter than men, and women without clothes are lighter than women with clothes. If your passengers complain or question your motives, hold your ground! The increased performance of your boat will be proof enough to silence their bleating.
I’ve still been super busy traveling these last couple weeks, so instead of slapping together an update to feed the ever-ravenous maw that I sometimes imagine this blog to be, I’ll post an older piece that has yet to see the light of day: my review of Curious George.
This was originally written for the Daily News Skim over at PointlessWasteOfTime. There, along with writing about news that never happened, we also sometimes wrote reviews for movies that we never saw. This was to be one of them.
As it turns out, literally minutes before this was to be published, news broke that the co-creator of Curious George had just been found murdered. After hearing this, the piece was quickly axed because it simply didn’t seem as funny any more. This was even after a hasty rewrite, and a title change from the original “I intend to murder one of the co-creators of Curious George.”
All that said, it is still kind of funny, especially once you forget about the whole brutal murder thing. I kind of regret bringing it up now. Bugger.