Before Boating
Before putting your boat in the water in the spring, take it to a professional boat mechanic to have him thoroughly inspect it. If his skill at repairing boats threatens your sense of self worth, don’t panic! Remove your shirt, and begin flexing your back muscles in a nautical fashion. Your display of seamanship-worthiness will impress him, and you’ll escape with a boat in prime shape for a season of boating.

Don’t overcrowd
Never overcrowd your boat, as excess weight will reduce it’s performance. When drawing up your passenger manifest, remember that women are lighter than men, and women without clothes are lighter than women with clothes. If your passengers complain or question your motives, hold your ground! The increased performance of your boat will be proof enough to silence their bleating.

Life Jackets
Let me lay out a typical boating scenario for you: Disaster has struck, and your boat has been captured by pirates. Your attempts to barter away your wife’s virtue were unsuccessful, and the pirates have stolen your boat and tossed the two of you overboard. Help may be hours away, you’re getting tired from treading water, and the conversation has turned absolutely frosty. “If only,” you ask aloud, in an attempt to fill the uncomfortable silence, “there was a device that allowed you to keep your head above water indefinitely.”

There is: they’re called life jackets. Wear them.

Drinking and Boating
Never consume alcohol while boating. Boating experts agree that nothing goes better with an afternoon of sunshine and good times than a nice weak tea.

Interestingly, the ‘no alcohol while boating’ rule is quite an old one, and originally wasn’t a safety tip at all. It used to be a warning for gentlemen boaters to leave the difficult task of choosing an appropriate boating drink to a trained expert.

Towing safety
When towing someone behind your boat, whether on a wakeboard, in a tube, or in a plastic laundry hamper, make sure there’s always someone to act as a ‘spotter.’ It’s the spotters job to let the driver know if anyone falls down, and to hold two drinks at once, so ensure that this role is filled by your most experienced seaman.

Racing Boats
Inevitably while boating, you will be called upon to enter a boat race to win your girlfriend back from some thugs. Remember that some boats are faster than others, and that if your boat isn’t fast enough, you’ll first have to race and win against smaller boats, to gain their power.

Dinosaurs
Are not a threat while boating.

Knots
There are a handful of simple knots that you should learn that will be of great use to you in nearly all boating situations. If you don’t want to spend the five minutes needed to learn these knots, keep a boy scout on hand at all times. Nothing says ‘experienced man of the sea’ like keeping a 12 year old boy on your boat.

Weather
Always be aware of the weather. In the movie ‘The Perfect Storm,’ George Clooney leads an elite team of fishermen on a mission to kill an enormous white whale that stole his leg. They pursue the beast deep into the ocean, when they’re suddenly caught up in a confluence of smaller weather patterns that combine together to form ‘the Perfect Storm’ (voiced by Alan Rickman.) The storm overcomes them, and they die in a torrent of waves – a poignant lesson on the importance of being aware of the weather. To help remind me of this, and also for a couple of other reasons, I keep a framed picture of George Clooney on my boat at all times, and suggest you do the same.

Collisions
In the event of a collision between a power boat and a canoe, the canoe has the right of way, unless the power boat manages to drive straight across the middle of the canoe, bisecting it. In that case, the law clearly states that this is awesome and the driver of the power boat is ceded the right of way. A similar law applies in other cultures with sampans.

Sharks
In the movie Deep Blue Sea, LL Cool J killed a shark by rapping it to death. Before boating in any shark infested waters, ensure that your rhymes are tight.