Retirement Party

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JENKINS
Ok, people! A bit of quiet please? Yes, that means you too Tom. Ha! How much have you had to drink anyways? Ha! No, seriously though Tom. Shut the fuck up.

Jenkins waits for the audience to quiet down.

JENKINS
Well, we all know why we’re here tonight don’t we? Because they wouldn’t let us in the TGI Friday’s! Ha, seriously though! Our dear friend Phil will soon be leaving the IntertechCo family. I’m sure you all know Phil. He’s the gentleman on my right who’s looking slightly embarrassed by all this. What’s that? Oh, not embarrassed. You sure? Looking a little flushed there pal. Oh, it’s the gin! Everyone calm down, it’s just the gin!

A ripple of laughter spreads through the audience.

JENKINS
Where was I? Oh right. Phil: our coworker, our friend and my boss. Now, I was asked to come up here and reflect on some of the good times we’ve all had working with Phil, and if possible, maybe even embarrass him a little bit. . So what do we remember about Phil? Well the loud beefy farts for one. I recall one time in his office he was playing with the controls on his chair, pretending that the power of his own flatulence was lifting him off the ground. [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

Laughs from the audience.

JENKINS
That was during my performance review.

More laughs.

JENKINS
Heh, ok. So what are some of my earliest memories of working for Phil? Well here’s one. I had only been working here for about a month, and Phil comes up to me and hands me my first GCB report to do. [Jenkins does his best Phil impression] Here you go kid. I know you’re new, but I think you can handle this. [Jenkins pauses with a big grin on his face, then makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

Laughs from the audience. Phil has a tight smile on his face.

JENKINS
So some of you already know what happened next. Long story short, I make a fucking mess of it. A complete disaster. I hand this…. thing to him, and offer some half baked excuse. And then I take off before he can say anything, or perhaps more importantly, before he can do anything. [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

The audience laughs again.

JENKINS
Well, obviously, he wasn’t very happy with it. Of course, I didn’t appreciate how unhappy he was until the next day, when as I was going to work… I saw that someone had taken an enormous dump on the hood of my car.

Jenkins pauses to take a sip from his drink.

JENKINS
Now I’m not saying I can prove it was Phil, or even that I think it was Phil. But it was extremely smelly. So it was probably Phil.

Some confused chuckles from the audience.

JENKINS
Or a diseased rhino.

Big laughs from the croud.
Phil gestures for Jenkins to come closer, and whispers something to him.

JENKINS
Ha! Easy on the gin there buddy! Phil wanted me to tell you that the hooker was still alive when we left her! Ok everyone! Just to set the record straight!

Phil looks mad.

JENKINS
Ok, calm down there fella. All in good fun, right? Relax, you’ll like the next story better.

JENKINS
So, anyways….. After the GCB report thing, I tried to keep my head down, do my job, stay out of Phil’s way, stay upwind from him, you know. Goes on like that for several months. Things settle down. Then, one day I’ve got some stuff for him to sign, and I guess I’m distracted or something, because without really thinking I open the door without knocking. And I find Phil….. with his balls pressed against the window.

Dead silence from the crowd

JENKINS
Turns out that a couple times a week, Phil liked to “flirt” with the waitresses at the restaurant across the street. [A couple “ohhhh’s” from the audience] That’s right. I see the light bulbs clicking on now. Which – to bring this speech full circle – is why we weren’t allowed to go to TGI Friday’s. It turns out the perfect visual accompaniment to an order of wings isn’t Phil’s sweaty balls.

Phil is now far beyond pissed off.

JENKINS
Heh heh heh. Easy Phil. Calm down now. We’re all just having a laugh here. Good times, remember. It’s all good. No I’m not a “fucking liar” Phil. I’m what they call a “raconteur”. Ok? Now where were we..,

JENKINS
It’s French. Look it up.

JENKINS
Ok now Phil, it’s because of language like that your wife left you. I’m guessing. Or… you know [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

Phil charges the stage and tackles Jenkins to the floor. Jenkins continues making loud wet fart noises as the punches rain down upon him.

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