Chicken Vs. Egg Solved!


Over the last week or so I’ve seen on a few news sites that British scientists have just figured out the answer to an old dilemma: which came first, the chicken or the egg? The long and short of it is the egg came first, at least if you believe in evolution. The reasoning here is that a chicken can only come from a chicken egg, but a chicken egg CAN come from someone else, namely two almost-but-not quite-chickens having nasty not-chicken sex. If I lost you there, you can click the word immediately after this sentence for the gritty details. Moron.

So, why is this news? I thought it was well established that the chicken vs. egg debate was just a cute version of the evolution vs. creation debate. Creationists believe that on the 6th day God created chickens alongside the rest of the animal kingdom, like the koala bear, the spitting cobra, the humping giraffe, etc. Evolutionists counter that the egg came first, using the reasoning described above. And so, not willing to agree to disagree, over the last two centuries Evolutionists and Creationists have been waging this conflict the only way they know how: with mixed martial arts fighting tournaments.

That we’re in the year 2006, and that the British (who invented Darwin) still haven’t figured this out yet greatly amuses me, and confirms several suspicions I’ve long harbored concerning the state of the British education system. That they gathered top “chicken experts” to finally put this to rest is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever heard.

It’s only when I read to the very bottom of the article that I saw what had happened here. The debate was organized by Disney as a promotion for the DVD release of Chicken Little. Clever boys. Tricking the British into promoting your movies for you isn’t very nice, but it was admittedly effective, in that I now dimly recall the existence of a movie called Chicken Little. Much as I also recall my utter lack of interest in seeing the movie Chicken Little.

But this got me to thinking, what other clever publicity stunts could a movie marketer come up with to trick newspaper editors into promoting their upcoming DVD release?

Date Movie (May 30)
Back over a Wayans brother with a truck. It shouldn’t really matter which one. This will make international news, and may become a new holiday.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic (June 6)
Hire David Blaine to do something obnoxiously self-important. I’d suggest walking across water. Then have him claim to be the greatest magician since Jesus. Arrest Blaine, then have famously Jewish comedienne Sarah Silverman publicly crucify him, pleasing America with historical sense of irony. Bonus: violent death of the growing public embarrassment that is David Blaine.

The World’s Fastest Indian (June 6)
Race some Indians against each other. Duh. It’d be like Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, except now with America’s old racial wounds horribly re-opened.

The Pink Panther (June 13)
In front of a live television audience a group of scientists use high tech fiber optic cameras to look under the earths surface and calculate exactly how fast Peter Sellers body is rotating.

MacGyver: The Complete 6th Season (June 13)
Gather top theologians from across the world to consider whether 6 entire seasons of MacGyver constitutes conclusive proof of God’s non-existence, or merely overwhelming proof.

Syriana (June 20)
I really meant to go see this, but never got around to it. I bet I’m not alone. I’d suggest a publicity stunt that focused on the same theme. Draw same parallels that people can relate to. Like constantly putting off seeing the doctor for months and months, until finally the pain’s too much, and they find cancer, but it’s too late because now the cancer’s malignant and you’ve only got 6 months to live.

I’m guess I’m saying we should give George Clooney cancer.

Failure to Launch (June 27)
Put Matthew McConaughey in a rocket, and threaten America that you will launch him at the sun if DVD sales don’t pick up immediately. When DVD sales remain flat, threaten to not launch him at the sun if DVD sales don’t pick up. When DVD sales remain flat due to customer confusion, cut losses and shoot Matthew McConaughey at the sun anyways. I mean if the rocket’s already set up and everything…

Ultraviolet (June 27)
I don’t even remember this movie. This was the one that was like Aeon Flux, but wasn’t Aeon Flux, right? Man I dunno. Take out some ads that say “Ultraviolet is a different movie than Aeon Flux! And now it’s on DVD!”

I’d use a pretty big font.

Basic Instinct 2 (July 11)
Build a rotating platform in Times Square where Sharon Stone will attempt to perform cunnilingus on herself while the theme song from Benny Hill plays in an endless loop.

She’s The Man (July 18)
Use advanced science technology to fabricate a set of male genitalia for Amanda Bynes. Armed with a camera she stages a Jackass style cross country trip, dubbed the Teabag Tour for Truth, promoting proper hygiene tips for post op female-to-male transsexuals.