Forensic Team Squad!

SCENE: A brightly lit CIRCUS

And now, the incredible flying Gorgonzo!

GORGONZO a CLOWN enters. He is happy and full of life. He is also DOOMED. He waves to the crowd, dons a leather helmet, then enters an oversized CANNON. An ASSISTANT steps up and lights a playfully large fuse. The crowd tenses as the fuse reaches the cannon. Suddenly, a violent explosion. A shower of GORE flies out the front of the cannon. There is CLOWN everywhere. A deathly silence hangs in the air for a second before the WAILING of hundreds of CHILDREN fills the void.

Cut to the FORENSIC TEAM SQUAD! arriving on the scene.

BISHOP, STEVE, and LISA enter the circus tent. BISHOP and STEVE make their way towards the CANNON. LISA stops halfway, to look at a poster.


BISHOP puts some FORENSIC GLOVES on and examines the back of the cannon. He uses a FORENSIC Q-TIP to swab the hole where the fuse was.

Across the room, LISA steps back from the poster, and with a sickening squelch, gets her foot stuck in what remains of the CLOWN’s TORSO. She unsuccessfully attempts to yank her foot out, then sighing, reaches into her FORENSIC BAG, and pulls out a FORENSIC POPSICLE STICK.

STEVE examines the barrel of the cannon. It is dripping with something that was probably very recently inside the Flying Gorgonzo.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a circus, but from
what I recall, the clown was supposed to come out
in one piece. But this clown, (pauses, grimacing) has
more in common with an especially watery brand of salsa.

It’s strange. Normally these cannons work by some sort
of compressed spring. There’s not usually any explosives
involved at all.

Well I’m definitely smelling something explosive here.
(Sniffs the air, then immediately regrets it.) I am also
smelling many other horrible, horrible things.

Meanwhile, LISA, using the FORENSIC POPSICLE STICK, attempts to pry her foot out of the TORSO. Her initial attempts are ginger and very scientific-looking, but as her foot remains firmly trapped she begins to stab at the TORSO violently. A POLICE OFFICER sees this and vomits noisily.

BISHOP examines the controls that lower the CANNON. Finding nothing EVIDENCY-LOOKING, he pulls the lever. The cannon barrel lowers and STEVE investigates the interior of the CANNON.

Hey Bishop?


How many legs do clowns have?

(thinks) It’s not two?

Well if the answer is less than three, we might have a problem here.

BISHOP comes around to the front of the cannon and peers inside.

One leg, two legs. What’s the problem?

STEVE points behind them at LISA, who is now using a SEVERED LEG to try and beat the CLOWN’s TORSO off her foot.

Three legs.



Something tells me this is a little more than the average homicide.

You could say it’s a CLOWN-icide.

(long weary sigh) That’s good Steve.

(waving a leg) One and a half clownicides.

(Gives Steve a blank look)

A CRASH is heard, BISHOP and STEVE turn around to see LISA, now prone, wearing the remains of the CLOWN’s TORSO as a bloody and unfashionable hat. There is a long excruciating pause.

Alright. Lisa, do you think you can stop your
amateur haberdashery for a minute and take
some of these legs down to the coroner to
get processed? Steve, I want you to go back
to the lab. Round up a half dozen pigs and
some dynamite. I want to find out exactly how
much gunpowder was used here by the end
of a 30 second bacon-themed montage.


One thought on “Forensic Team Squad!

Comments are closed.