So a friend of mine on a forum relates a story about a bizarre letter a friend of his found on a bus. It’s full of the usual teenage angst and petty adolescent troubles, but with a couple peculiarities. The spelling is remarkably bad, even for someone who is clearly English, but that’s not the main thing. It also features that most precious of all teenage writing devices, the made up quiz.

Hiya,
Charli, wot u bin up to?
yeah i reallu love guildy like mad but he doesnt feel da
same way neva mine. LoL. Are u still seein shaun? Ur bro
is so adorable bless him? Amy’s a pure slut I dnt know
why lads think she’s even pretty she’s looks like a dogs
arse LoL.She’s aright sum days but she’s still a hor.
And i still h8 her. She thinks she can get everyone’s
knob but she cant & she thinks she’s propa pretty betta
than every one she’s prettya than Lisa, Lucy, and Kelly
and that’s it there all ugly actally she’s not she as
ugly as them lot. i’ll answer them questions know:
1. yeah i do lyk u
2. No she a hor
3.yeah it’ll be wicked i’ll film it. send it to you’ve bin framed LoL
4. yeah i do but i’vr got nothing to beat her up 4.
5.
1. you 2. both 3. both 4. both
5. Channie 6.Deanne 7.Robin 8. Both
9. Deanne 10. Channie

Wot did tiy do wen i left ya?
Wot ya doin 2nite ought or nought?

you bak wid Timothy yet his he living at Amy’s
still got 2 go ciya

luv ya

Jade

WB ASAP

I stopped paying attention to teenagers a while ago, as I can’t stand them. Also, I find their culture baffling, what with their “alco-pops” and their “The O.C.” and their “mutual masturbation parties.” But even considering that, this letter is nearly unintelligible to me. Who is this ‘Charli?’ Where’d the ‘e’ go in his name? Did Jade take it? Why didn’t she take any other vowels? She could certainly use them.

Also, it would appear that Jade has misplaced her copy of “Writing For Writers in a Written World” 3rd edition. Otherwise she’d remember to list the quiz questions before each of her answers. But fortunately for you dear reader, by doing a bit of reading between the lines, and educated guessing, and outright fabrication, I believe I’ve managed to reconstruct the original quiz that our enigmatic ‘Charli’ first sent to Jade.

And here it is:

1: Do You lyk me? How about when I flex like this?
1. yeah i do lyk u

2: I flexed like this for Channie once. She asked me to take my trousers off and I did. Should I have done that?
2. No she a hor

3: Sometimes when I’m flexing like this I’ll reach down and massage my own ass. It’s awesome.
3.yeah it’ll be wicked i’ll film it. send it to you’ve bin framed LoL

4: You hate Channie don’t you? For the thing I did with her with the flexing and the ass massage. U going to beat her up?
4. yeah i do but i’vr got nothing to beat her up 4.

5: Ok, but I basically fucked her. Is that kewl?
5.

1: Not kewl. Got it. Who do you want to fuck?
1. you

2: Nice. And before the fucking, would you like me to flex, or to massage my own ass?
2. both

3: And If I asked you, would you flex like this, or massage my ass?
3. both

4: Sometimes when I massage my own ass, I’ll stick a couple fingers right up there. Does that turn you on, or gross you out?
4. both

5: Can you guess whose fingers are up my ass right now?
5. Channie

6: Nope. Think red-head.
6.Deanne

7: Oh yeah, she’s just got that dye job thing, huh? Nope, not her. Guess again.
7.Robin

8: BAM! You are Correct! And it feels Awesome! Now guess whose ass my fingers are in? Channie’s or Robin’s?
8. Both

9: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes. Life is excellent! Anyways, I’m obviously not writing this by hand (HAHAHA!), so who am I dictating it too?
9. Deanne

10: Now who went to the kitchen to get me some juice?
10. Channie

AHAHAHHAHAHA!