Up on the main Cracked page is yet another entry in my growing body of work where I find images on the Internet and make easily spotted jokes about them, or failing that, gratuitous references to sex acts. In short, this is exactly the sort of thing that never wins Pulitzer prizes*.
Still, it is pretty funny. Go read it.
*Not that I ever expected to win a Pulitzer prize. Especially after that fistfight with Norman Mailer.
Find out what your price range is for your new car. Be realistic, especially about what you’re willing to sacrifice to pay for it. Are you really willing to live in your car? Think about the hygiene. Even though most modern cars have windshield washer jets that are powerful enough to be used as a bidet, most communities have bylaws in place to prevent exactly this from happening.
Research what features on the car you actually need. Do you really need a shizzle-fozzle-link suspension, or 30 decagram engine? If you don’t understand these basic terms, a car salesman will forcibly have his way with you in the prison-yard of unexpected metaphors that is the used car lot.
Some more ground breaking investigative reporting of mine is up on the main Cracked site. This time, wearing my hat with the word “Press” tucked firmly inside the hatband, and using that trustiest tool in a journalist’s utility belt, Google, I researched the stupidest looking novel covers I could find. As it turns out, they were all Fantasy and Science Fiction novels, which made titling the article a snap.
On a side note, I’m always on the lookout for more stupid images to make fun of, so if you own a digital camera and have a penchant for dressing up your pets like famous dictators, or just know a guy with a really good mustache, I’d love to know about it. Send your pix to me at: chrisbucholz@yahoo.com.
One caveat: please don’t just raid some other websites cache of “wacky images.” Lord knows I can do that myself. Also, anyone sending me an image gets a free lifetime membership to this blog, which does not now, not will it ever make or charge any money. But still, free membership!
VERY RARE! One (1) 1988 TOYOTA CELICA GT-4. THIS IS THE CAR THAT OTHER, LESSER CARS DREAM ABOUT! 2dr, Hatchback, White. Manual transmission, slightly rubbery – downshifts to 2nd are problematic. Engine: turbocharged 4 Cylinder – 190HP theoretically! In current state, we’ll call it an even 130. Leaks oil when in motion, stationary. Tape Deck. Radio works, as does heater, although not at the same time, and neither while traveling uphill. Minor gas leak when accelerating or turning right. Needs new passenger side floor mat, power steering motor. Passenger side power window goes down but not up. Sunroof exists, but if opened, there is a strong possibility it will never close again. Has not been opened in 6 years.
Price: Have invested over $150 in maintenance over last 3 years (mostly oil and power steering fluid. Also 1 windshield wiper), hope to get that back.
SERIOUS BUYERS ONLY. Contact chrisbucholz@yahoo.com with offers.
Here the Author, having lost all his senses, ignores his readers demands to post something that isn’t insane, and posts more Jude Law stories instead.
If there’s one thing the world needs more of, it’s stories where Jude Law roams the countryside with a jet pack, helping strangers. Sort of like Kung Fu, but with a white guy.
If you were paying attention to the news last week, you probably heard about Lisa Nowak, the off-duty astronaut who was arrested and charged with attempted first degree murder. Armed with a BB gun, she had driven halfway across the country to confront a woman who was dating the man she loved.
Oh, and she was wearing a diaper the whole time. Just in case you hadn’t heard.
Now people do crazy things like this all the time and it doesn’t make the news. Just off the top of my head, I can come up with at least six different people I threatened last year while wearing a diaper, plus one other while wearing a “Pull-Ups” style faux-underpants garment. The only reason this has been such a big deal is because of the enormous pedestal we’ve put astronauts on.
No matter how strong, brave, or smart they are, astronauts are real people, with their own quirks and flaws. They smell and fart and wear diapers, just like you and me. And they can let us down like any of our past heroes, like OJ “The Juice” Simpson, or Mel “The Juice” Gibson. In fact, given the sheer number of people we’ve shot into space over the last 40 years, the odds are long that Ms. Nowak is the only space oddity out there.
Every morning you wake up in your ordinary bed. You brush your ordinary teeth, put on your ordinary pants, and go to your ordinary job, where you sell mattresses to ordinary people.
But what if fate held something greater for you? What if somewhere a maverick Indian scientist was studying your DNA – copies of which are readily available in India – and discovered that you have a genetic marker that gives you great power? Maybe you can fly. Maybe you have a tail. Maybe you have the ability to always know when pasta’s done. Wouldn’t that be great? Man, those ass-clowns down at Mattress Larry’s would give you some respect then!
Well dream no longer friend! Using advanced Computer technology, I’ve managed to cobble together the only personality test on the Internet capable of identifying which Heroes character you’re most like. While you wait for your latent abilities to manifest, you can imagine that you’re a character on a popular television show, having all sorts of incredible adventures with your clear skin and attractive bone structure.
Enjoy!
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably got some feature or attribute that you’d prefer other people don’t know about. It’s not necessarily something you’re embarrassed about, it’s just that there’d be lots of tedious explanations you’d have to go through if people found out about it. Maybe you’ve never seen Star Wars before. Maybe you tried to grow a beard once, but no-one noticed. Maybe you shave your asshole. Whatever your thing is, odds are there’s tons of other people out there who are the same way – they just never talk about it. And you don’t want to talk about it either.
My thing is that I’ve never been to IKEA. It’s not because I dislike the furniture they make, although I do. I’ve just never needed to buy furniture before. Seriously. In all the apartments that I’ve lived in everything’s either belonged to my roommates, or been hand-me-down items from various relatives. My parents used to have a shed stuffed to the rafters with spare furniture specifically to be used by me when I moved off to college. A pretty sweet deal for me, although perhaps less so for our cat. When I moved out and took the couch, he lost his favorite padded toilet.
Apologies for the long delay since my last post. Firstly, I blame the holiday season, what with the time spent shopping and time spent with loved ones and also the pagan rituals. Strange and busy times. Also, I penciled in quite a bit of time over the last few weeks for “not writing comedy,” which naturally ate in to my writing comedy time quite a bit. That should be all over now. Hopefully.
So to ease myself back into the blogging grind, I’ll start by updating you on a previous post from December. You’ll recall a few weeks back how I discussed an episode where I had to dig my car out of the snow. At the time I off-handedly mentioned that due to our mild climate, everyone else in Vancouver has a real hell of a time dealing with snow as well. Well we got another dusting of snow Thursday night. It was only an inch or so, so the odds of me breaking off parts of my car to get inside it were slim. Indeed I managed to do several things that day without looking like an ass. But how did the rest of Vancouver fare?
Well, the roof of our stadium collapsed. No shit.
Ok, to be fair, it didn’t collapse so much as develop a tear and deflate. Which doesn’t sound as bad, until you say the phrase “inflatable stadium,” and collapse in a heap of giggles.
Anyways, that’s all I have to say about that. Going skiing this week, but regular updates should show up again after that.
Chris Bucholz 
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