Today I was Kidnapped and Taken to IKEA

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably got some feature or attribute that you’d prefer other people don’t know about. It’s not necessarily something you’re embarrassed about, it’s just that there’d be lots of tedious explanations you’d have to go through if people found out about it. Maybe you’ve never seen Star Wars before. Maybe you tried to grow a beard once, but no-one noticed. Maybe you shave your asshole. Whatever your thing is, odds are there’s tons of other people out there who are the same way – they just never talk about it. And you don’t want to talk about it either.

My thing is that I’ve never been to IKEA. It’s not because I dislike the furniture they make, although I do. I’ve just never needed to buy furniture before. Seriously. In all the apartments that I’ve lived in everything’s either belonged to my roommates, or been hand-me-down items from various relatives. My parents used to have a shed stuffed to the rafters with spare furniture specifically to be used by me when I moved off to college. A pretty sweet deal for me, although perhaps less so for our cat. When I moved out and took the couch, he lost his favorite padded toilet.

The reason I bring this up is to relate a recent episode where I learned (again) why I should keep my mouth shut pretty much constantly. When my girlfriend was relating to me the details of one of her recent trips to IKEA, I remarked, stupidly, that I’d never been.

Girlfriend: “You’ve never been! You have to go!”

Me: “But I don’t need any furniture.”

Girlfriend: “They have more than furniture. They have shelves, and plates, and lamps and lots of amazing things. We should go this weekend!”

Me: “I don’t need shelves or plates or lamps. I’m not going.”

Girlfriend: “They have more than that! And you don’t have to buy anything! It’s the experience!”

Me: “The experience of going to a furniture store to not buy furniture? This sounds pretty stupid. I don’t buy furniture all the time, often from the comfort of my own home. Hey, how about instead we go to an adult video store and not buy an adult video? Or, check this, we do buy an adult video.”

Girlfriend: (ignoring me) “There’s these big shopping carts, and arrows on the floor to show which way to go, and there’s these little rooms.”

Me: “I’ve seen rooms before. I used to work in a room once.”

Girlfriend: “They’re not just rooms! They’re little vignettes!”

Me: “Vignettes! Why didn’t you say so!”

Girlfriend: “So you’ll come?”

Me: “No earthly force can keep me from IKEA now!”

And so we went to IKEA. As promised, there were vignettes. Imagine full scale shoe-box dioramas illustrating the lifestyle one might live if one had to furnish a room using only Swedish flat-pack furniture. There were unattractive couches, and unattractive desks, and flatware of undetermined attractiveness (I’m not properly equipped to judge the attractiveness of flatware.) It was fascinating, in that ‘not in any way fascinating’ sort of way.

To keep myself busy, I conducted a series of experiments to find out what IKEA products I could balance on my head. This is one of my favorite things to do when I’m bored and want everyone to know about it. I am happy to report that there are at least six separate things in IKEA that I can balance on my head, one of which could serve as a functional, if unattractive, hat. Below I’ve included pictures of all the known IKEA products I can balance on my head. Hopefully this will serve as a valuable resource for you, my readers. Perhaps it can be used to settle wagers.





10 thoughts on “Today I was Kidnapped and Taken to IKEA

  1. OMG! You are the greatest robotman! Hahaha i can’t help smiling everytime i think about u!! How about updating regularly!? I SO look forward to your funny quips!! :)

  2. Hey Robotman, you need to update more and drown out some of the utter balls that man vs. clown blog contains.

    It would make my nipples pointy.

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    Ha ha, It’s just me screwing around. Seriously, my erections are awesome. Thanks for the compliments guys (girls?) Apologies about the relative lack of updates, I’ve been busy writing other stuff for Cracked of late. Brilliant groundbreaking shit, I assure you. Hopefully it’ll see the light of day sometime. But, for the next little while at least, I’m going to be all about the blog.

  4. Ha ha… I just discovered your blog. I have to say, I like IKEA, but your conversation with your girlfriend makes me want to not like it. “I don’t buy furniture all the time, often from the comfort of my own home.”

    And as a grammar nerd: your grammar is appreciably good. (Mmm… appreciably)

  5. Mr Robotman,

    A friend of mine linked to your article pertaining to my little ponies, which was hilarious. So, I decided to peruse your blog, and found this rant on IKEA/Girlfriends, which was pretty funny.

    I saw your question at the comment part, “Have a clever Wildean retort to one of my arguments?”, so I googled the phrase ‘wildean retort’.

    This was in one of the results, enjoy.

    “my beautiful ‘fuck off’!”


  6. Hi! I just saw your post on the wordpress front page and the title caught my attention!

    Your experience at IKEA is too funny, loved the conversation with your girlfriend and how you agreed to go at the end! haha! love it!!
    Balancing things on your head, now that’s something new to try when bored!! heehee.

    Take care! ;)

  7. I just discovered your blog a few days ago, and I’ve been going back from the first page in my free time since then.
    I am almost embarrassed to read it when anyone else is in the room, because for several posts now, I have been lol-ing to the point of not breathing.
    I did the exact same thing to my boyfriend that your girlfriend did here…I just thought it was insane that he’d never been to Ikea, and I love it so much I made him come.
    So, thanks for the hilarious posts.

  8. I’m still oblivious to the outcome of your experience with Ikea, what I know is that mine left me with permanent brain scarring from a day in which I spent 15 hours there filling 11 of those lovely trolleys with furniture (in a week I had already spent 20 (plus or minus 5) hours in there)

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