If you were paying attention to the news last week, you probably heard about Lisa Nowak, the off-duty astronaut who was arrested and charged with attempted first degree murder. Armed with a BB gun, she had driven halfway across the country to confront a woman who was dating the man she loved.
Oh, and she was wearing a diaper the whole time. Just in case you hadn’t heard.
Now people do crazy things like this all the time and it doesn’t make the news. Just off the top of my head, I can come up with at least six different people I threatened last year while wearing a diaper, plus one other while wearing a “Pull-Ups” style faux-underpants garment. The only reason this has been such a big deal is because of the enormous pedestal we’ve put astronauts on.
No matter how strong, brave, or smart they are, astronauts are real people, with their own quirks and flaws. They smell and fart and wear diapers, just like you and me. And they can let us down like any of our past heroes, like OJ “The Juice” Simpson, or Mel “The Juice” Gibson. In fact, given the sheer number of people we’ve shot into space over the last 40 years, the odds are long that Ms. Nowak is the only space oddity out there.
So after spending literally hours combing second-hand stores for a “detectivey” hat, and then arming myself with the largest magnifying glass available on the open market, I set about the gritty task of uncovering what other unpleasant business the world’s spacemen have been getting up to. I present my findings to you, dear reader, with the hope that you won’t care too much if it’s baseless slander.
Pilot Lee Joseph Archambault
Known to the FBI as the “Al Capone of Product Tampering,” Mr. Archambault was suspected of injecting solid rocket propellant into a dozen Thanksgiving turkeys in 1998, and hiding a full grown cougar inside a Doritos bag last summer.
Commander Mark Polansky
Missing one of his testicles after an incident involving a prostitute, a samurai sword, and five other prostitutes.
Mission Specialist Patrick G. Forrester
Films pornographic movies under the name Rod Horseprong. Note that depending on the type of movie he’s filming that particular day, his nom de guerre can be considered either a noun or a verb.
Mission Specialist Barbara R. Morgan
Was briefly married to Kid Rock.
Mission Specialist Steven R. Swanson
Was briefly married to Kid Rock.
Pilot William Oefelein
In grade 5, once punched a kid so hard, his whole family died.
Mission Specialist Tracy E. Caldwell
Served 6 months in prison after savagely beating a troop of Girl Guides for dispensing “Communist Ideas.”
Mission Specialist Nicholas Patrick
Was caught smuggling laser pointers into space to build the world’s most irritating weapon.
Commander Frederick W. Sturckow
On a recent spacewalk, threw a handful of his own feces at the Earth.
Poo scientists say that although the turd almost certainly burnt up before impact, this is a mixed blessing, as that means there are now tiny particles of Cmdr Sturckow’s poo scattered throughout the atmosphere. “Possibly in our hair,” they added.
Mission Specialist Robert Curbeam
Smuggles Cuban refugees into the United States by sending spare space suits there to “get cleaned.”
Mission Specialist Christer Fuglesang
Has been stalking Kenny Rogers for the past 15 years. This probably would have made the news by now, except Kenny doesn’t seem to mind.
Colonel Buzz Aldrin
After retiring from NASA, was involved with extensive research to determine the suitability of Tang as a sexual lubricant.