More Jude Law has a Jet Pack

Here the Author, having lost all his senses, ignores his readers demands to post something that isn’t insane, and posts more Jude Law stories instead.

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Did you miss the first batch of Jude Law stories? Maybe you should click here first.

John hunched down in the snow, and cried for the first time since he was a child. An avalanche had swept the rest of his climbing team down the mountain, taking with them all of their supplies. Trapped on a mountain ledge, John had no way down, and no food or water. The sound of his crying carried in the wind, echoing slightly. This continued for a few minutes until, very faintly at first, then growing louder and louder, a sound rose up from the clouds below, drowning out his bitter sobs. John wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up in amazement as Jude Law landed on the ledge beside him.

“Jude Law? Are you here to rescue me?”

Jude Law looked startled, and turned in the direction of John. Half covered with snow, John was barely visible, and hadn’t been noticed by Jude Law until now. In truth, Jude Law had no idea John was up here. Jude Law liked to come up the mountain alone sometimes to think. He also occasionally brought girls up here to impress them.

Thinking quickly, he replied, “Of course I’ll help you. What seems to be the problem? Did your jet pack break down?” Jude Law laughed at his own cleverness.

John stammered and stuttered out the various tragedies that had occurred to him and his companions, while Jude Law sat and listened. When John finished his sob story, Jude Law looked off into the middle distance, as if deep in thought.

Finally, he stood up straight and faced John. “John, I had no idea you were up here”

Confused, John asked, “But why are you here? With blankets and…. champagne?”

Jude Law looked down at the shopping bag he had flown up the mountain with, as if seeing it for the first time. It contained a blanket, a bottle of champagne, and, unseen by John, a selection of scented candles. He replied, “Oh, I keep a cave up here, for, uh,” he hefted the bottle of champagne in his hand, “for drinking. Yes. Sometimes I like to come up here and drink. Alcohol. The mountain air. Blankets. You understand.”

John didn’t understand, but started crying again, overwhelmed at the sight of his sudden and bizarre rescuer. “Thank God. I thought for sure I was going to die up here.”

Jude Law smiled, digging around in his jacket pocket. “Oh dear no, I wouldn’t leave you to die.” He found what he was looking for, and pulled it out. Smiling, he presented John with half a package of Certs.

“Those things should keep you going until a rescue party arrives.” Jude Law smiled proudly, as John’s face took on the expression of someone who just backed over their pet in the driveway. Jude Law continued, “Now, I’d like to invite you back to my cave. Actually, no. I wouldn’t like to. I wish I’d like to. I wish I was that guy who helps people and invites them back to his cave. But I’m not. Also, I’ve got plans tonight that might involve that cave.” Jude Law winked at John.

Suddenly, John lunged at Jude Law, attempting to tackle him to the ground. Ready for this, Jude Law backpedaled rapidly, plummeting off the cliff in the process. A sharp crack split the air, followed by a whooshing noise. Jude Law rose back into view, hovering a good 10 feet off the edge of the mountain. He had been practicing that move at home, for just such an eventuality.

“You hang on to those Certs there big guy. Those things have five calories a piece there. You ration those out, why I bet you can last 5 or 6 weeks. I’ll be sure to tell someone you’re up here when I get home.” Jude Law gave John a friendly wave before turning and flying further up the mountain, John’s curses quickly fading in the distance.

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The SS Princess Of The Waves listed heavily to port, rapidly taking on water. After colliding with a tanker in the middle of the night, the doomed ship was now slowly and inevitably sliding beneath the waves. The upper decks were in a state of organized chaos as the crew tried to keep the passengers calm, while breaking out the life preservers and life boats.

As dawn broke, a cry rose up from one of the lookouts on the bridge. Heads turned, and arms pointed up in the sky at a distant speck that was quickly growing larger. Jude Law was approaching.

“Jude Law! Jude Law is coming!” the captain cried, the passengers gaping in amazement as the crewmen scattered in a flurry of inspired movement. Jude Law approached the ship from the stern, circling it once, watching. Finally he touched down on the cabana deck beside the sternward pool.

“Hello everybody. Looks like you folks coul…” he began, his sentence cut short by a crew member swinging a life boat oar at his head. Jude Law ducked, rolling awkwardly on the deck. Another oar crashed into the ground beside his head, splinters flecking his face. He struggled back on to his feet, only to be knocked to the ground again by a blast striking his jetpack from behind. Face down on the ground, Jude Law rolled over to see a ship’s officer working the pump on a shotgun. “Jesus Christ!” Jude Law screamed, stabbing at the controls on his jet pack. He shot across the deck, dodging the next shotgun blast, but smacking into the ship’s guard rail in the process. He shakily got to his feet again.

“RAAAAAAAAAR!” rose the collective cry from the crew as they rushed at Jude Law with murder in their eyes and deck chairs in their hands. The battle, both unexpected and completely one-sided, tilted against him, Jude Law decided that fleeing in a blind panic was the better part of valor, and shot up in the sky, barely out of reach of the ravenous ship’s crew.

A raucous cheer rose up from the ship, as the crew members and male passengers celebrated, dancing and clapping at their victory. Jude Law circled the ship at a safe distance, flinching occasionally at the celebratory gunfire erupting from below. The celebration continued over the next few minutes, as the ship quickly sank below the waves, taking all hands with it.

“That was odd,” Jude Law thought to himself, as he flew back to land.

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4 thoughts on “More Jude Law has a Jet Pack

  1. “…decided that fleeing in a blind panic was the better part of valor.”

    It’s as if those words were formed by the Gods a million years ago, and had hung in the ether, just waiting to be plucked.

    Thank you sir.

  2. Is the article in the paper about Canada’s first marine protected area? I’m not sure why I care.

    Actually, your response will not help me, due to the fact that I am now legally blind.

    I’m dictating this.

  3. Damn you squinty eyed devils! Stop reading my blurred out newspaper articles! There is no comedy in there! I was too lazy to write a real fake newspaper article and blur it out. There, I’ve said it.

    The next one’s going to be nothing more than “Fuck you you blurry reading motherfucker” repeated 300 times.

  4. The stories were pretty funny, but it was your last comment that really cracked me up.

    Now I’m going to save it in my “Funny Quotes from The Internet” document.

Comments are closed.