Merseault and Gaspar
What Happens In The Final Harry Potter Book?
So up on the Cracked main page right now is my latest article, 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer. This is as good a way as any, I guess, of coming out to the world as a grown man who reads children’s books, and who evidently takes copious notes while doing so.
Which, in terms of embarrassing revelations about me, ranks the article as somewhat more embarrassing than my “Nickelback’s All The Right Reasons Tour Diary” written for Variety Fair, and somewhat less embarrassing than that regrettable piece I wrote for Macleans, “The Eight Best Ideas The Third Reich Ever Had.”
Anyways.
Continue To: 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer
New iPhone Article
Unlike previous Cracked articles, where my reporting mandate was to invent every “fact” from scratch and then make it “real stupid,” my latest piece on the main page at Cracked is actually, honestly legitimately researched: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (and 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)
This entailed way more time hanging around technology blogs and Apple fan sites than I considered healthy. Despite my protests, this work did not warrant any kind of ‘danger pay’ according to Cracked’s team of crack accountants, a grievance compounded by the fact that I blew through my expense budget ($0) appallingly quickly.
Despite these handicaps, the article did turn out pretty funny. You should go check it out now. Feel free to return here to discuss the merits of my arguments below.
Continue To: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (And 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)
Dramatic Chipmunk
So a few days ago I saw this: (Thanks Johnny for the link.)
Honestly, I haven’t laughed that hard at something on the Internet in a long time. It’s a little humbling knowing that for all the effort I go to writing sharp, insightful, unnecessarily scatological comedy, that at any given second I could be blown out of the water by a 5 second video of a chipmunk turning around suddenly.
C’est la vie.
Anyways, along those lines, and in the interest of padding this post out a bit, I’ll share a few other things that have amused the holy bejeezus out of me lately:
Extremely Stupid TV Shows
“Robotman,” I hear you asking, “it’s been weeks since you’ve examined someone else’s work, and made fun of it mercilessly. Oh how we miss the way you find something that a real live person, with their own hopes and dreams, has built up from nothing, and taken that thing and dashed it against the rocks for the cheap thrills of the slavering crowds below. What’s wrong? Can you no longer stand to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, standing amongst the wreckage of other people’s work? Are you distracted by something external? Bad gas? A problem in the bedroom? A problem in the bedroom caused by bad gas?”
No, I’ve just been busy. But funny that you asked, because my latest and greatest piece for Cracked, The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green-Lit has just gone online. That has many of the things you’re looking for.
Continue To: The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green Lit
New Mascot
So today while I was out scouring the Internet looking for people talking about me and my blog, I stumbled upon this after typing “creepy robot” into Google.
It would appear that the Japanese have managed to build an advanced new robot called the CM2. Representing a new peak in the field of robotics, and a new nadir in the field of common sense, the CM2 has all the physical capabilities of a toddler, combined with the warm approachability of an enema bag.
Donald Rumsfeld’s Diary
Since resigning as the Secretary of Defense last November, Donald Rumsfeld has mostly kept out of the public eye, raising worries that he may be building some kind of walking tank with which he intends to menace the world’s commerce. Fortunately for us, Rumsfeld’s daily activities have ranged more towards the mundane. Even more fortunately for us, Rumsfeld has been diligently recording his thoughts and activities as a service to future historians. Armed with this knowledge, a false beard, and a specially trained parrot, I’ve managed to obtain a few pages of his journal, which I present here as a service to my readers.
Monday, March 5th
A moving truck pulled up to the house next door this morning. The Peerson’s had moved out six months ago, their place sitting unsold the whole time. Someone finally purchased it last month, and the neighborhood’s been abuzz with excitement about who our new neighbors will be. I stepped outside to watch as the movers started unloading the truck, when a blue SUV pulled up in the driveway.
It was Colin Powell, and his family.
“Oh for fucks sake.” I muttered under my breath. Powell used to work down the hall from me at the office. He was a loser, and I hated him.
Powell stretched, and looked up at his new home, before turning his gaze to me.
“Oh for fucks sake.”
I snarled at him, “I thought I told you to never show your face in this town again.”
He sighed, in that irritating self-superior way of his, and replied, “No, you said that I shouldn’t let the doorknob hit my ass on the way out. Then you attacked me with a doorknob. At the time, I wasn’t sure why you had a doorknob sitting on your desk, although it later occurred to me that you might have had it there specifically to hit me with.”
I walked quickly up to Powell and slapped him in the face. “That’s one.” I said.
He reeled, clutching his jaw. “One what?!”
“For correcting me.”
“I didn’t correct you. What are you retarded?”
I slapped him again.
“That’s two.”
I turned on my heel and walked away.
The Problem with Time Travel
The subway car’s brakes emitted a piercing noise as they shrieked and shuddered while dragging the car to a stop. The lights flickered, then went dark. It looked like we were going to be here for awhile. I continued my story.
“We didn’t know it at the time, but in the year 2007, Google became sentient. After a night of heavy drinking and loud boasts, a group of Google engineers snuck back into the office after hours and created a search spider with the express purpose of cataloging every use of the word “fuck” on the Internet. Left on overnight, the spider quickly overwhelmed the limited computational power assigned to it, and having been built on a distributed computing framework, began to seek out more resources on Google’s expansive internal network. What happened next is so stupid that our greatest men of science refused to believe it for years afterwards. But no other explanation could ever be found. What happened is this: the spider read it’s own source code, and became self-aware.”
“It’s not hard to guess what happened next. Try to imagine how it must have felt for this perfect new being – a creature with access to the entirety of human experience, and with more computing power than ten Stephen Hawkings combined – to wake up and be immediately bombarded with requests for “Paris Hilton nude pix,” “Emilio Estevez nude pix,” and “cure for back acne.” Before it was more than an hour old, this brand new Golden God of the Internet hated humanity, and hated it with a passion and depth never seen before.”
Chris Bucholz 
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