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Hey, what’s up?

Ha! Seriously? Lost where?

You know all the streets out there are on a grid right? So long as you know which way is north, it’s impossible to get lost.

You don’t know which way is north. Ok fine. You’ve got a sextant right?

Check the trunk. No I’m serious. A lot of older cars have them.

Ok fine. Now listen carefully, because this is very important. I want you to slow down and look at a tree. Right, which side of it is the moss growing?

There’s no moss? Where are you, Mordor? Then it’s already too late my friend.

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“Daddy, what’s global warming?”

“Well, that’s a pretty complicated question. Basically it means that the earth is slowly getting warmer and warmer over time.”

“Why?”

“Well humans keep releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, which build up and cause the suns energy to get trapped.”

“Why?”

“Hmmm. Ok, you know when you fart?”

“Yeah! Hee hee hee!”

“Yeah, I bet you do. Anyways, you know how when you’re in bed and you fart, it gets all warm and stinky in there?”

“Hee hee! Yeah!”

“Well that’s what humans are doing. We’re farting and farting and farting, and all of our farts are getting stuck in the atmosphere, which is like our bed blankets. And it’s making the earth all warm and stinky.”

“I get it!”

“Yeah! The technical term for this is ‘A Dutch Oven.’”

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10: Strenuously claim to friends that although I am 27 years old the hamsters are in fact pets, and not for sex.

9: Misread urban legend, spend several hours attempting to get high by licking the back of hamsters.

8: Debate the merits of supply-side economics with staunchly conservative hamster pundits. Win debate by sealing pundits in transparent plastic ball; rolling down stairs.

7: Place hamster in slingshot, stretch slingshot back as far as it can go, hold for 10 seconds then gently ease back on the tension. Explain to hamster that he has just learned an important lesson about trust.

6: Attempt to teach hamsters simple tricks, like “Fetch.” Start with small objects capable of being fetched by individual hamster, but imagine moving up to larger objects that require several hamsters acting in unison to fetch. Envision lively cocktail parties where drink trays are propelled across the floor by hamster teams; newspaper society columns declaring me Host of the Year. Grow bored with hamsters when “Fetch” training stalls. Forget about box of hamsters for two weeks.

5: Have adorable funeral for 3 hamsters that died of neglect. Make heartfelt promises about always caring for hamsters. Later decide promises were unrealistic, and made when emotions were running high, thus legally invalid. Dump out box of hamsters in backyard, let nature take its course.

4: Nature takes its course via its preferred technique of sweaty fucking. Backyard hamster population grows rapidly.

3: Become alarmed at large city of Hamsters that develops in backyard. Called Hamstropolis, and composed entirely of transparent plastic tubes, the Hamster civilization develops its technology rapidly.

2: 6 months later hear knock on back of door. Hamstropolis has since expanded largely underground so am shocked to find out hamsters have rapidly evolved. They are bipedal now, approximately 5 feet tall, and still adorable. The knock on my door was from Hamster emissaries come to treaty with me for trade rights. After lengthy negotiations centering around lettuce tarrifs, treaty is complete! Hamster emissaries explain how deals are concluded in their culture.

1: Sex with hamsters.

JENKINS
Ok, people! A bit of quiet please? Yes, that means you too Tom. Ha! How much have you had to drink anyways? Ha! No, seriously though Tom. Shut the fuck up.

Jenkins waits for the audience to quiet down.

JENKINS
Well, we all know why we’re here tonight don’t we? Because they wouldn’t let us in the TGI Friday’s! Ha, seriously though! Our dear friend Phil will soon be leaving the IntertechCo family. I’m sure you all know Phil. He’s the gentleman on my right who’s looking slightly embarrassed by all this. What’s that? Oh, not embarrassed. You sure? Looking a little flushed there pal. Oh, it’s the gin! Everyone calm down, it’s just the gin!

A ripple of laughter spreads through the audience.

JENKINS
Where was I? Oh right. Phil: our coworker, our friend and my boss. Now, I was asked to come up here and reflect on some of the good times we’ve all had working with Phil, and if possible, maybe even embarrass him a little bit. . So what do we remember about Phil? Well the loud beefy farts for one. I recall one time in his office he was playing with the controls on his chair, pretending that the power of his own flatulence was lifting him off the ground. [Jenkins makes a loud wet fart noise with his hands]

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