The Least Relevant Video Game Blog on the Internet

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Last Friday I posted my thoughts on the September video game sales data in North America over on the Cracked Blog. For those of you that aren’t colossal video game nerds, this is a monthly ritual across the Internet. As there’s no bandwagon too big nor too small for Cracked to not clamber on board, we decided to throw our hat into the ring as well. If you’re so inclined, you should definitely go check it out.

Continue To: September NPD Analysis

Heroes Epsiode 4 Recap and Analysis

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So my latest Heroes analysis is up on the Cracked blogs right now. I managed to work in the phrase “leotard-clad ass kicking” which was immensely gratifying for me as a writer.

I’m also going to see if I can get my blog updates over at Cracked to populate in a sidebar over here, so I don’t have to make a new post every time. That will probably involve an RSS feed and Technology. I’ll see what I can do.

Continue To: Heroes Episode 4 Recap and Analysis

Bucholz doesn’t update his blog any more

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So what have I been up too lately? Not writing anything around here, that’s for damn sure. I haven’t been completely idle however. I’ve been busy working on stuff over at Cracked lately. Much of it’s been behind closed doors until now, as they busied themselves working on their relaunch. Now that the relaunch is upon us, I can finally open up about it.

Cracked has set up their own in-house blog, which I’ve been working on. Unlike the past generation of Cracked blogs, that were separately maintained by individual authors (including myself,) the new improved Cracked blog is going to be a single blog updated regularly by different authors. Like the rest of Cracked content, it’s all going to be pop-culture related stuff, but it should have a bit more variety than the current ‘Top n’ lists that dominate the front page.

What will I be writing for them? Well, due to my unique ability to not have anything going on in my life on Monday nights, I’ve volunteered myself to write recaps of Heroes episodes as they happen. I’ve already recapped the first three, so if by some chance you’ve missed them, but don’t have the technical wherewithal to download them from the interweb, you can catch my recaps below:

Episode 1.

Episode 2.

Episode 3.

You can look for new recaps every Tuesday morning. For those of you that aren’t Heroes fans, I’ll also be posting about video game news, celebrity gossip, and other stuff. If you don’t like video game news, celebrity gossip and other stuff, then you might be out of luck. That’s kind of what they’re looking for over there; the editors rejected my idea for posting a series of grainy images of my penis placed upon various famous works of Western Literature. They said it wasn’t ‘sane.’

Now that the Cracked blog is up and running, I’ll post links here whenever I update something over there. So there should be a lot more activity occurring on this blog at least. Also note that this doesn’t mean there’ll no longer be any original content posted here. It’s just that with a full time job, a full time girlfriend, and a crippling video game habit, there’s only so many hours in a week for me to write amusing things down at the computer.

That said, look for a sequel to my Insane Japanese Halloween Costume piece coming soon. Also, I’ll try and get some Robotman-specific stuff coming for you shortly.

Heroes Speculation? AND Ali Larter panty-shots? Where do I sign up?

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Sorry for the lack of updates recently. We’ll just say that after moving my blog over to the new domain, I got distracted by some other things then forgot where I put it. You know how it goes.

I haven’t been completely idle however. Over on Cracked right now is my latest and greatest entry in the canon of Heroes speculation: 5 Questions Season Two of Heroes had Better F#&king Answer

Over on Digg, this got dugg like 1200 times, which I’m told is pretty good. Not that I’m suggesting that you slavishly follow what’s hip and cool with the kids these days.

But those kids are hip and cool for a reason…

What Happens In The Final Harry Potter Book?

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So up on the Cracked main page right now is my latest article, 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer. This is as good a way as any, I guess, of coming out to the world as a grown man who reads children’s books, and who evidently takes copious notes while doing so.

Which, in terms of embarrassing revelations about me, ranks the article as somewhat more embarrassing than my “Nickelback’s All The Right Reasons Tour Diary” written for Variety Fair, and somewhat less embarrassing than that regrettable piece I wrote for Macleans, “The Eight Best Ideas The Third Reich Ever Had.”

Anyways.

Continue To: 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer

New iPhone Article

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Unlike previous Cracked articles, where my reporting mandate was to invent every “fact” from scratch and then make it “real stupid,” my latest piece on the main page at Cracked is actually, honestly legitimately researched: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (and 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)

This entailed way more time hanging around technology blogs and Apple fan sites than I considered healthy. Despite my protests, this work did not warrant any kind of ‘danger pay’ according to Cracked’s team of crack accountants, a grievance compounded by the fact that I blew through my expense budget ($0) appallingly quickly.

Despite these handicaps, the article did turn out pretty funny. You should go check it out now. Feel free to return here to discuss the merits of my arguments below.

Continue To: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (And 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)

Extremely Stupid TV Shows

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“Robotman,” I hear you asking, “it’s been weeks since you’ve examined someone else’s work, and made fun of it mercilessly. Oh how we miss the way you find something that a real live person, with their own hopes and dreams, has built up from nothing, and taken that thing and dashed it against the rocks for the cheap thrills of the slavering crowds below. What’s wrong? Can you no longer stand to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, standing amongst the wreckage of other people’s work? Are you distracted by something external? Bad gas? A problem in the bedroom? A problem in the bedroom caused by bad gas?”

No, I’ve just been busy. But funny that you asked, because my latest and greatest piece for Cracked, The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green-Lit has just gone online. That has many of the things you’re looking for.

Continue To: The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green Lit

The 30 Strangest Movie Posters of All Time

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Up on the main Cracked page is yet another entry in my growing body of work where I find images on the Internet and make easily spotted jokes about them, or failing that, gratuitous references to sex acts. In short, this is exactly the sort of thing that never wins Pulitzer prizes*.

Still, it is pretty funny. Go read it.

*Not that I ever expected to win a Pulitzer prize. Especially after that fistfight with Norman Mailer.

Continue To: The 30 Strangest Movie Posters of All Time

The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Sci-Fi Novel Covers

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press_hat2.pngSome more ground breaking investigative reporting of mine is up on the main Cracked site. This time, wearing my hat with the word “Press” tucked firmly inside the hatband, and using that trustiest tool in a journalist’s utility belt, Google, I researched the stupidest looking novel covers I could find. As it turns out, they were all Fantasy and Science Fiction novels, which made titling the article a snap.

On a side note, I’m always on the lookout for more stupid images to make fun of, so if you own a digital camera and have a penchant for dressing up your pets like famous dictators, or just know a guy with a really good mustache, I’d love to know about it. Send your pix to me at: chrisbucholz@yahoo.com.

One caveat: please don’t just raid some other websites cache of “wacky images.” Lord knows I can do that myself. Also, anyone sending me an image gets a free lifetime membership to this blog, which does not now, not will it ever make or charge any money. But still, free membership!

Continue To: The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Sci-Fi Novel Covers

Which Heroes Character Are You Most Like?

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Every morning you wake up in your ordinary bed. You brush your ordinary teeth, put on your ordinary pants, and go to your ordinary job, where you sell mattresses to ordinary people.

But what if fate held something greater for you? What if somewhere a maverick Indian scientist was studying your DNA – copies of which are readily available in India – and discovered that you have a genetic marker that gives you great power? Maybe you can fly. Maybe you have a tail. Maybe you have the ability to always know when pasta’s done. Wouldn’t that be great? Man, those ass-clowns down at Mattress Larry’s would give you some respect then!

Well dream no longer friend! Using advanced Computer technology, I’ve managed to cobble together the only personality test on the Internet capable of identifying which Heroes character you’re most like. While you wait for your latent abilities to manifest, you can imagine that you’re a character on a popular television show, having all sorts of incredible adventures with your clear skin and attractive bone structure.

Enjoy!

Continue To: Which Heroes Character Are You Most Like?