So I’ve been writing stories and making photoshops for a little over 2 years now, which means I’ve got dozens of little folders littering my C drive of jokes and gags that I’ve shared with friends on the various forums where I hang out. Here’s a sampling of the funnier stuff, all beautifully restored and digitally remastered.
Jason hurriedly pushed his new lover in to the closet, turned and closed the door behind him. While on the phone ordering a pizza, a barely audible burst of static told him something was amiss. He was being watched… no. It was worse than that. Fourteen armed assassins were at that very moment rushing up the stairs of his apartment building. Another five were coming up in the elevator. They were led by a Frenchman, who limped and had grown up terrified of disappointing his mother. Jason could tell all this from a small burst of static because he was an incredibly good spy.
“Be quiet, and keep your head down!” Jason spoke sharply at the closet door, silencing the protests coming from within. Deciding that the Beretta in the bedroom nightstand was too far away to be of any use, he scanned the room looking for weapons. There in front of him was the coffee table with two remote controls and a thin black rod resting on top of it. That just might be enough…
The first assassin burst through the door of the apartment seconds later, firing his submachine gun wildly. He was killed a split second later when a coffee table came flying through the air, striking him in the part of the neck that kills people that Jason knew about.
The assassin fell backwards in the doorway, impeding his colleagues. This bought Jason precious seconds which he used to cross the apartment and seize the broom left leaning on the wall. Flicking it expertly in his hands, he lunged forward at his attackers, spearing five assassins who had finally gotten untangled, only to enter the apartment and foolishly stand in a line.
Having closed the distance between himself and his attackers, thus nullifying their range advantage, Jason quickly dispatched the remaining villains by knocking their heads together. They tried to shoot him, but Jason Bourne moves so fast he makes regular spies look like statues of guys carrying guns.
Standing in his apartment doorway, a ding from down the hall warned Jason of the second wave of attackers. Seizing a sidearm from one of the downed assassins, Jason pivoted in a blur, shooting the men who exited the elevator. POP POP POP POP! He paused. His magnificent spy brain knew something wasn’t quite right.
The Frenchman was behind him the whole time! Holy shit he’s good!
In a blur of fists and knives, Jason’s gun was knocked away, his wrists and forearms earning deep cuts and scratches as he fended away the blows. Jason tried to hit him in the part of the neck that kills people that he knows about, but the Frenchman knew about it too and easily blocked the attack. Jason backed into the kitchen, his right hand groping around the counters behind him, searching. Finding what he was looking for, he brought it around and wielded it expertly at his approaching foe. The Frenchman paused momentarily, reevaluating his strategy at the sight of Jason armed with an oven mitt.
Using the oven mitt in an impressively unorthodox, and basically indescribable way, Jason managed to knock the knife from the Frenchman’s hands. Their limbs tangled together, and the two impossibly gifted warriors grappled with one another, trying to seize the upper hand. They clattered and crashed across the kitchen, then backed out into the living room, knocking over the large heavy trunk lying there, scattering it’s contents. The Frenchman, momentarily distracted at the sight of the trunks contents, let his guard down briefly, allowing Jason the opportunity to punch a hole clean through his chest.
As the assassin lay there dieing, Jason seized him by the collar, shaking him. “Who are you working for? Who? Tell me! I told you, I was through with this! I’ve told you guys like a billion fucking times now! Holy shit! Am I in crazy-land here?”
The Frenchman let out a sickly rasp, struggling to get the strength to respond. “It’s not you Jason. There’s another. More powerful.” He coughed, sputtering up blood.
“Who is it? Is it more of this Tombstone superspy business again? What, does the CIA get a fucking bulk discount on unstoppable killing machines? Do you need a Costco card for this shit?”
The Frenchman shuddered, his life slipping away, before finally gasping “No…. not a spy… it’s….. Harrrrrrr……” He died without finishing the thought.
Jason dropped the dead spy to the floor, and walked purposefully to the closet door. He opened it, briskly stating, “Come on, we have to get out of here.”
“Holy shit!” yelped Harry Potter, who had been watching through the slits of the closet door. “That was fucking intense!” The two of them carefully stepped over the bodies littering the room, and fled into the night.
So I’m sure some of the more observant of my readers will have noticed that this blog is no longer hosted on cracked.com. Also it’s now blue. Changes abound!
You might also be wondering just what the hell happened here. Did I get kicked off of Cracked? Is it because I was too funny? Or not funny enough? Is it because I seduced and bedded the bosses teenage daughter? Or because I didn’t seduce and bed her hard enough?
As it turns out it was none of those thing (I think.) Here’s what happened. Cracked is going through a bit of a redesign, and part of that redesign was a phasing out of the current iteration of Cracked blogs. This certainly doesn’t mean an end to my relationship with Cracked. I’ll still be writing feature articles for them, and will likely be involved with other interesting projects there as they turn up as well. It just means an end to the faithful old robotman.cracked.com domain.
In place, I’ve got my own brand new domain set up. Aside from looking a bit more professional, robotmantheblog.com should be a lot easier for you to remember, and shorter for you to doodle on random surfaces around your campus or place of work. Also, I’ve finally ditched the old html I stole off a cat lovers web site, in favor of a slick pre-made template. I think it looks pretty sharp, and hope – nay, command – you to agree.
I’ve spent a couple days getting this new site into shape, but there’s bound to still be some busted links, or missing images, or things that don’t line up quite right, so if you see any, please, please, please let me know about it, so I can fix it. Email any problems to me at chrisbucholz@yahoo.com and I’ll be eternally grateful.
So up on the Cracked main page right now is my latest article, 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer. This is as good a way as any, I guess, of coming out to the world as a grown man who reads children’s books, and who evidently takes copious notes while doing so.
Which, in terms of embarrassing revelations about me, ranks the article as somewhat more embarrassing than my “Nickelback’s All The Right Reasons Tour Diary” written for Variety Fair, and somewhat less embarrassing than that regrettable piece I wrote for Macleans, “The Eight Best Ideas The Third Reich Ever Had.”
Anyways.
Continue To: 6 Questions the Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer
Unlike previous Cracked articles, where my reporting mandate was to invent every “fact” from scratch and then make it “real stupid,” my latest piece on the main page at Cracked is actually, honestly legitimately researched: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (and 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)
This entailed way more time hanging around technology blogs and Apple fan sites than I considered healthy. Despite my protests, this work did not warrant any kind of ‘danger pay’ according to Cracked’s team of crack accountants, a grievance compounded by the fact that I blew through my expense budget ($0) appallingly quickly.
Despite these handicaps, the article did turn out pretty funny. You should go check it out now. Feel free to return here to discuss the merits of my arguments below.
Continue To: 5 reasons why the iPhone might suck (And 5 reasons why we’re pumped anyways.)
So a few days ago I saw this: (Thanks Johnny for the link.)
Honestly, I haven’t laughed that hard at something on the Internet in a long time. It’s a little humbling knowing that for all the effort I go to writing sharp, insightful, unnecessarily scatological comedy, that at any given second I could be blown out of the water by a 5 second video of a chipmunk turning around suddenly.
C’est la vie.
Anyways, along those lines, and in the interest of padding this post out a bit, I’ll share a few other things that have amused the holy bejeezus out of me lately:
“Robotman,” I hear you asking, “it’s been weeks since you’ve examined someone else’s work, and made fun of it mercilessly. Oh how we miss the way you find something that a real live person, with their own hopes and dreams, has built up from nothing, and taken that thing and dashed it against the rocks for the cheap thrills of the slavering crowds below. What’s wrong? Can you no longer stand to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, standing amongst the wreckage of other people’s work? Are you distracted by something external? Bad gas? A problem in the bedroom? A problem in the bedroom caused by bad gas?”
No, I’ve just been busy. But funny that you asked, because my latest and greatest piece for Cracked, The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green-Lit has just gone online. That has many of the things you’re looking for.
Continue To: The 13 Most Ridiculous TV Shows To Ever Get Green Lit
So today while I was out scouring the Internet looking for people talking about me and my blog, I stumbled upon this after typing “creepy robot” into Google.
It would appear that the Japanese have managed to build an advanced new robot called the CM2. Representing a new peak in the field of robotics, and a new nadir in the field of common sense, the CM2 has all the physical capabilities of a toddler, combined with the warm approachability of an enema bag.
Chris Bucholz 
You must be logged in to post a comment.