Rob Zombie’s in town, like once every 5 years. And you’re getting older every day.
Amazingly enough, it’s actually my anniversary the same day, and my wife gets really picky about me missing that. Alright, I’m just kidding. My wife doesn’t really care either way.
It’s just that when you came to my birthday party this year, none of my friends really liked you, so I didn’t want to inconvenience you in a similar manner. In a way, my only crime here is being too sensitive.
Another piece of mine up on the main Cracked page, this time a quiz in the style of Cosmopolitan magazine. Although the title suggests that the quiz will help determine “What Type Of Girl You Are,” in laboratory tests most women found this quiz to be “moderately unhelpful.”
Dear Tide with Bleach,
I’m 48, and make about $75,000 a year. Currently my wife and I need $60,000 for home upgrades. We have about $350,000 of equity in our house and are thinking about tapping into that to finance the repairs. However my wife’s worried about the chance of rising interest rates hurting us if we get a HELOC, and has instead offered to start selling drugs to kids at the local high school. What I want to know is what sort of margins can we expect to earn from common street drugs – marijuana, crystal meth, ecstasy, et al. Also, what steps do we need to go through to get a bridge loan from our bank to set this all up?
Have I got a treat for you. During one of my routine trips around the sun, I accidentally sling-shot myself through time to the year 2007, and after some amazing futuristic adventures, have managed to return with something special: a TV Guide from August 18th, 2007 which contains a second season recap of Fox’s hit show Prison Break for readers on the eve of the third season premiere.
Caution: As with most of my experiments with time, this may contain spoilers.
Before Boating
Before putting your boat in the water in the spring, take it to a professional boat mechanic to have him thoroughly inspect it. If his skill at repairing boats threatens your sense of self worth, don’t panic! Remove your shirt, and begin flexing your back muscles in a nautical fashion. Your display of seamanship-worthiness will impress him, and you’ll escape with a boat in prime shape for a season of boating.
Don’t overcrowd
Never overcrowd your boat, as excess weight will reduce it’s performance. When drawing up your passenger manifest, remember that women are lighter than men, and women without clothes are lighter than women with clothes. If your passengers complain or question your motives, hold your ground! The increased performance of your boat will be proof enough to silence their bleating.
I’ve still been super busy traveling these last couple weeks, so instead of slapping together an update to feed the ever-ravenous maw that I sometimes imagine this blog to be, I’ll post an older piece that has yet to see the light of day: my review of Curious George.
This was originally written for the Daily News Skim over at PointlessWasteOfTime. There, along with writing about news that never happened, we also sometimes wrote reviews for movies that we never saw. This was to be one of them.
As it turns out, literally minutes before this was to be published, news broke that the co-creator of Curious George had just been found murdered. After hearing this, the piece was quickly axed because it simply didn’t seem as funny any more. This was even after a hasty rewrite, and a title change from the original “I intend to murder one of the co-creators of Curious George.”
All that said, it is still kind of funny, especially once you forget about the whole brutal murder thing. I kind of regret bringing it up now. Bugger.
Enjoy.
I was out of town most of the last week, so I didn’t mention it here when it got posted, but there was a piece of mine up on the main Cracked page called Format Wars: CRACKED looks at the NextGen DVD Players.
It’s about as stupid as you think it’d be.
In other news, I’m currently working on exciting new material for Cracked magazine proper, and look for fresh stuff on the blog in a day or two.
Continue To: Format Wars: CRACKED looks at the NextGen DVD Players.
So I was having some drinks with friends the other day and was explaining to them how I was going to be out of town intermittently over the next month or so. My job is requiring me to travel across the province as part of a team from our head office, where we will effectively be auditing the work of our people in the field. I personally would be checking whether they were completing various tasks properly – tasks ranging from filling in paperwork to filling in other, less important paperwork. Fairly dry stuff really. Nevertheless, it is a somewhat adversarial position, as I will be telling people how they’re not doing their jobs. After hearing this, my friend Dan thought for a moment, then said:
“So it’s the Seagull School of Management.”
“Yeah, it’s the, uh… what?”
“The Seagull School of Management. You fly in, shit all over everything, then fly out.”
Chris Bucholz 
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