So I was having some drinks with friends the other day and was explaining to them how I was going to be out of town intermittently over the next month or so. My job is requiring me to travel across the province as part of a team from our head office, where we will effectively be auditing the work of our people in the field. I personally would be checking whether they were completing various tasks properly – tasks ranging from filling in paperwork to filling in other, less important paperwork. Fairly dry stuff really. Nevertheless, it is a somewhat adversarial position, as I will be telling people how they’re not doing their jobs. After hearing this, my friend Dan thought for a moment, then said:
“So it’s the Seagull School of Management.”
“Yeah, it’s the, uh… what?”
“The Seagull School of Management. You fly in, shit all over everything, then fly out.”
Which is really about 10 times more perfect than anything I could have come up with myself. Not that I have a great interest in shitting on people – I’d like to think that if that particular fetish hasn’t reared its ugly head yet, it never will. If we’re being less literal, I also don’t have much interest in criticizing other peoples work. But if shit I must, then shit I will:
SCENE: A BEAR wearing a tie sits at a desk. A SEAGULL enters
Bear: (doing paperwork, looks up) Oh hey man. What’s up?
Seagull: Not much, not much. Just in town for a bit, checking things.
Bear: Sure, sure, no problem. If you need anything, let me know.
Seagull: Thanks, appreciate it. I’ll get out of your hair real quick.
(Bear goes back to his paperwork, then sniffs his nose. He grimaces, then gets up and crosses the room to the doorway where he examines the floor)
Bear: What the hell’s this?
Seagull: What’s what?
Bear: Did you just take a shit?
Seagull: (shrugs) I guess. I do that sometimes. Well, a lot really.
Bear: What the hell man?
Seagull: Honestly? I don’t even really know when I’m doing it. I mean, I so rarely stay long in any one place, I just never really paid attention. No-one does really. Or do they?
Bear: Yeah! Most people DO pay attention where they shit. And you might have a bit of consideration for those of us that WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Bear: You just took a crap on my desk!
Seagull: I did? Oh hey. Look at that. Right on that picture of your wife.
Bear: You son of a bitch! Get the hell out of here!
Seagull: Now settle down, we should be fine now. I haven’t eaten that much today, so that’ll probably be it for awhile. Heh, and actually that is kind of funny.
Bear: What’s funny? What the hell is funny about you shitting on my wife?
Seagull: It’s just that I heard she normally charges, like fifty bucks for that.