When buying a Valentines Day Card, the question you have to ask yourself is: Do I want to have sex tonight, or do I want to have mega-sex tonight?
Did you answer ‘mega-sex?’ Then feast your eyes on these bad boys.
Simply print out the one(s) you want, paste them onto some construction paper or stiff cardboard and present to your ladyfriend of choice. Nothing says “Thriftiness” and “Look! I didn’t forget this year!” like a home-made Valentines Day card.
Before you hit the slopes
Get in shape during the off season.. Try flexing in front of the mirror. Now bend over and cup your ass. Pout your lips a bit. Say “Aren’t I a sexy, sexy man” a few times. Do you feel something? That’s called the BURN. Keep feeling it. You’re doing great!
At the ski shop, don’t waste your time listening to the staff, and all their talk about “the right skis for your height” or “appropriate skill level” or “those are children’s skis” You want those red skis and you are getting those red skis.
When buying ski wear, you needn’t sacrifice style for comfort. Just remember to dress in layers: Start with long underwear and a long sleeved t-shirt, add a turtleneck sweater, your snow pants and jacket, then get a friend to cut the ass out of the whole ensemble. Who’s that handsome man skiing down the slope? It’s you!
Hunting for the right pair of gloves? When trying them on, try playing with yourself a bit in the store. Don’t worry, the staff won’t mind. They expect this. How does it feel? Is it like a stranger giving you a handjob? Now try it with mittens.
MSPaint is the most powerful drawing program in the world. Powerful in terms of conveying emotion that is.
Seriously, check out this god damned emotion:
It took me awhile to remember why I wrote this. I think someone was stringing random words together on a forum where I used to hang out, and came up with “Vagina Liaison.” Naturally, I took it and ran.
As a trained vagina liaison, I get asked alot of questions:
Q: When storing firewood in my vagina, how much is too much?
A: As much as is comfortable, provided you keep your vagina away from open flame.
Q: My husband and I smoke after sex, yet neither of us enjoy cigarettes. Why is that?
A: I’m not sure.
Q: Because I need to lubricate my vagina!
A: I see.
Q: My vagina sometimes emits a high-pitched squealing sound when decelerating. What is that?
A: Your vagina is a car, and will likely need new brake pads.
Steady. Aim carefully. Squeeze the…
“I think we should talk.”
I hit pause and looked up at Beth, the pause/status screen for Halo2 flickering in the background. Well this doesn’t sound good.
“I don’t think you’re taking our relationship seriously enough.”
Is that all? I thought this was going to be difficult. Focusing my mental energy to talk her down from the ledge that was her addled female mind, I said:
“I think I’m taking our relationship very seriously. But first I think we need to define what we mean by ‘serious.’ I mean this isn’t like ‘buying a house’ serious.”
“No, it’s more like… ‘buying a can of soup’ serious.”
Beth put on her ‘Beth is furious’ face. “You’re saying our relationship is about as important to you as a typical soup purchase?”
I sensed I was falling into a trap, but could see no way out.
Campfires are a sexy and mysterious way to liven up your camping trip!
But be sure to follow these helpful rules to avoid any distinctly unsexy disasters!
DO be sure to observe all local laws and regulations pertaining to campfires. Follow the instruction of any local officials. Park wardens instructed to “Relax” will almost never do so.
DO pitch your tent at least 15 feet upwind from grills and fireplaces. For the sake of others camping near you, avoid making any overused jokes about “pitching your tent” while doing so.