Campfires are a sexy and mysterious way to liven up your camping trip!
But be sure to follow these helpful rules to avoid any distinctly unsexy disasters!
DO be sure to observe all local laws and regulations pertaining to campfires. Follow the instruction of any local officials. Park wardens instructed to “Relax” will almost never do so.
DO pitch your tent at least 15 feet upwind from grills and fireplaces. For the sake of others camping near you, avoid making any overused jokes about “pitching your tent” while doing so.
DO supervise children at all times around the campfire. Children are highly flammable, and the high pitched noises they make when burning can attract wolves and child welfare officials.
DO NOT use flammable liquids to start a fire, except in case of emergency or if you’re the star of a Jackass-style show.
DO wait….You’re the star of a Jackass-style show? Seriously? Go look up “Flogging a dead horse” and get back to me.
DO NOT wear loose fitting clothing around a campfire. Instead, opt for snug, tight fitting clothing, so as to be more appealing to any attractive child welfare officials that happen to drop by. Make sure your “firewood” is displayed prominently.
DO NOT leave a fire unattended when you go to sleep. If you do get sleepy, it IS ok to rest your eyes for just a few seconds. That should be fine.
DO NOT use matches or candles inside a tent. If the romantic effect of candlelight is a necessary part of your auto-erotic asphyxiation sessions, consider moving to the hood of the car.
DO remember, it’s actually just “Smokey Bear”, not “Smokey The Bear”. Don’t get it wrong in front of him. He’s a real humourless fucker.
DO NOT run or make any sudden movements if you catch on fire. Remember, the fire is just as scared of you as you are of it.
DO remember to set your drink down carefully before you Stop, Drop and Roll. Waste not, want not, right?
Women think men who can start fires are incredibly attractive. When women are nearby, start fires all over the god damned place. You’ve just bought a one-way ticket to Sexington! For sex!
The following items should never be burned in a fire: Plastic, spare tires, ethnic minorities, documents subpoenaed by the special prosecutor, star of the hit television sitcom Coach, Craig T. Nelson, Styrofoam containers.
Fire can be beautiful, the way it flickers, and dances, constantly consuming everything it touches, playful, yet at the same time powerful. So very powerful. Powerful like a fireman. Or a professional wrestler.
It is perfectly acceptable to get an erection while staring into a fire.
Just follow these simple rules and you’ll be a Campfire Champion!