Renting a Video

“Can we rent this one?” My girlfriend handed me a DVD case. I read it aloud, “The Boys and girl from County Clare.” She smiled expectantly.

“This isn’t one of those movies where there’s characters that have issues, but then after much discussion they eventually come to terms with them, is it?” I asked. “I hate it when characters come to terms with things.”

“Just look at it,” she prods.

countyclare.jpg

I eyeball the case suspiciously, then flip it over and read the back. “It says here that this movie is charming and delightful. I can’t tell you how wary I am of a movie that is purportedly both charming and delightful. It’s like they’re trying to do too much.”

“It’s about fiddling!” she says excitedly, ignoring my well reasoned arguments. “And probably dancing!” On a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is how much I like dancing movies, and 10 is how much she likes dancing movies, she ranks a 10.

I continue reading the case, “They fought, they fiddled, they fell in love? Jesus Christ.”

“I bet it’s really good.” She smiles from ear to ear. I attempt to frown from ear to ear in response, and hurt my neck a little.

My eyes continued scanning the case, looking for more things to object to. “It stars one of the Corrs!?” Other video store patrons smirk and cast side-long glances in my direction. “There is no way on earth I can watch this movie. My balls will fall off and run from the room.”

“You always pick the movie!” she protested.

“No… I’m sure you picked the last one.”

“Oh, and what was that?”

“Uh…”

“It was Batman Begins.”

“Right. Didn’t you pick that?”

“I did not.”

“I’m sure it must have been you.”

“I had already seen it, but I was willing to watch it again to accommodate you.”

“Accommodation is great when you’re doing it.” I earned a punch in the ribs for that quip, probably deservedly.

“What about this one?” I turned and picked up The Warriors, which was conveniently handy. “This is about a street gang. You like movies about street gangs right?”

“No.”

thewarriors.jpg

“You’ll like this one. It’s about a gang that has to make their way home across the city. But there’s these other gangs out trying to stop them.” She looks unconvinced. I continue, “But all the gangs have themes! There’s the baseball gang, and a roller skating gang, and the lesbian gang.”

“Is there a dancing gang?”

“Err, yes. There’s one gang that’s had training in jazz and tap.”

“You’re just making that up.”

“There’s only one way to find out.” I waggled The Warriors DVD suggestively.

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Anyways, to make a short story shorter, we rented the stupid fiddle movie and watched it. It was terrible. Surprisingly, it turned out to be a fiddling version of Bring it On only without the subtext and nuanced characterization that made that film so compelling.

Do not under any circumstances watch The Boys and girl from County Clare.

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9 thoughts on “Renting a Video

  1. yes. it was terrible. there wasn’t even any dancing. i owe you any movie of your choice, but puhleeze god not “The Warriors”.

    btw how did we miss “Listen to your Heart”, right there on the front cover, in the quipping?

  2. The Warriors is great literature! It’s a remake of Anabsis by Xenopon — http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anabasis_(Xenophon)
    enophon accompanied the Ten Thousand, a large army of Greek mercenaries hired by Cyrus the Younger, who intended to seize the throne of Persia from his brother, Artaxerxes II. Though Cyrus’ army was victorious at Cunaxa in Babylon (401 BC), Cyrus himself was killed in the battle, rendering the victory irrelevant and the expedition a failure. Stranded deep in enemy territory, the Spartan general Clearchus and most of the other Greek generals were subsequently killed or captured by treachery on the part of the Persian satrap Tissaphernes. Xenophon played an instrumental role in encouraging the Greek army of 10,000 to march north to the Black Sea. Now abandoned in the middle of the hostile Anatolian plateau, without communications and supplies other than what they could obtain by force as they went, the 10,000 had to fight their way northward, making ad hoc decisions as to their destiny.

    So, rent The Warriors and rest assured you are getting culture!

  3. Thanks for the advice.

    Recently, upon our returning from the bar under the influence of one too many whiskey shots, my boyfriend seized my Netflix movie, ripped it in half, examined “Mrs. Dalloway” for a few seconds, and whipped it across the room like a frisbee. I wasn’t even gonna make him watch it.

  4. ““It’s about fiddling!” she says excitedly, ignoring my well reasoned arguments. “And probably dancing!” On a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is how much I like dancing movies, and 10 is how much she likes dancing movies, she ranks a 10.”

    Best… 0 to 10 joke… ever.

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