Before you hit the slopes

Get in shape during the off season.. Try flexing in front of the mirror. Now bend over and cup your ass. Pout your lips a bit. Say “Aren’t I a sexy, sexy man” a few times. Do you feel something? That’s called the BURN. Keep feeling it. You’re doing great!

At the ski shop, don’t waste your time listening to the staff, and all their talk about “the right skis for your height” or “appropriate skill level” or “those are children’s skis” You want those red skis and you are getting those red skis.

When buying ski wear, you needn’t sacrifice style for comfort. Just remember to dress in layers: Start with long underwear and a long sleeved t-shirt, add a turtleneck sweater, your snow pants and jacket, then get a friend to cut the ass out of the whole ensemble. Who’s that handsome man skiing down the slope? It’s you!

Hunting for the right pair of gloves? When trying them on, try playing with yourself a bit in the store. Don’t worry, the staff won’t mind. They expect this. How does it feel? Is it like a stranger giving you a handjob? Now try it with mittens.

On the Mountain

As a skier, your natural enemy on the slope is going to be the Snowboarder. Conversely, you will not have to concern yourself too much with being attacked by Pirates.

Tuck in any loose clothing and straps before you get on the chairlift. My friend once had a scarf that got caught in the chairlift as he was trying to get off, and he ended up hanging by his neck and getting sucked up into the chairlift machinery, where he died messily. Later, I found out that the chairlift was only 2 days away from retirement.

Always stop in a safe place where people coming down the hill can see you. For instance, if you’re concerned that your fellow skiers may be plotting against you, don’t hide behind a tree with a machete and jump out at people as they approach. Instead, try standing in the middle of the slope and wave your machete around menacingly. They’ll know you’re not to be trifled with.

Don’t go skiing out of bounds. You know how sometimes in a video game if you explore an entire level you can find cool items and treasures? In the real
world you find bears.

Watch out for avalanche warning signs. If you’re in an area where you’re concerned there could be an avalanche, try yelling really loud. Did it start an avalanche? Holy shit! Run!

Once you get to the bottom of the slope, an abominable snowman will show up and kill you. This is nothing to be ashamed of. He’s pretty fast.

Always ski with a buddy. One time I went up skiing with another friend, and on the chairlift he starts crying about how he thinks his parents are getting a divorce, and it’s because they hate him. I told him that I was sure his parents still loved him and that everything would work out in the end. Then I suggested we go down this one run, but he didn’t want to, so I called him a crybaby and went without him. I found out later that he hit a tree going down the other way and died. I talked to his parents after the funeral, and found out I was wrong: They didn’t love him at all. They ended up staying together, and even had another little boy. They named him after me.

You know who’s probably the best skier in the world? James Bond. He killed like 30 guys once on a single run. Always aspire to ski more like James Bond.

Apres-Ski tips.

After a hard day on the mountain, you’ll need to replenish your body with much needed nutrients. The best source of essential skiing nutrients? Tacos.

Growing a beard is a great way to keep your neck and face warm on the slopes.Off the slopes, it’s also a surefire way to attract the ladies and certain types of gay men.

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About the Author: Robotman is a writer and humorist. In 1998 he became a world champion skier after beating Satan in a fiddle contest.