So my Heroes Episode 5 Recap went up on the Cracked Blogs Tuesday morning. A useful resource for Heroes nerds, and excellent link-bait for anyone looking for tasteful pictures of Scott Bakula in his ginch.
As promised, my sequel to Insane Japanese Halloween Costumes has gone up for the year, cleverly titled “The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes.” It contains 80% less latex costumes than you’d imagine.
Last Friday I posted my thoughts on the September video game sales data in North America over on the Cracked Blog. For those of you that aren’t colossal video game nerds, this is a monthly ritual across the Internet. As there’s no bandwagon too big nor too small for Cracked to not clamber on board, we decided to throw our hat into the ring as well. If you’re so inclined, you should definitely go check it out.
So my latest Heroes analysis is up on the Cracked blogs right now. I managed to work in the phrase “leotard-clad ass kicking” which was immensely gratifying for me as a writer.
I’m also going to see if I can get my blog updates over at Cracked to populate in a sidebar over here, so I don’t have to make a new post every time. That will probably involve an RSS feed and Technology. I’ll see what I can do.
So what have I been up too lately? Not writing anything around here, that’s for damn sure. I haven’t been completely idle however. I’ve been busy working on stuff over at Cracked lately. Much of it’s been behind closed doors until now, as they busied themselves working on their relaunch. Now that the relaunch is upon us, I can finally open up about it.
Cracked has set up their own in-house blog, which I’ve been working on. Unlike the past generation of Cracked blogs, that were separately maintained by individual authors (including myself,) the new improved Cracked blog is going to be a single blog updated regularly by different authors. Like the rest of Cracked content, it’s all going to be pop-culture related stuff, but it should have a bit more variety than the current ‘Top n’ lists that dominate the front page.
What will I be writing for them? Well, due to my unique ability to not have anything going on in my life on Monday nights, I’ve volunteered myself to write recaps of Heroes episodes as they happen. I’ve already recapped the first three, so if by some chance you’ve missed them, but don’t have the technical wherewithal to download them from the interweb, you can catch my recaps below:
You can look for new recaps every Tuesday morning. For those of you that aren’t Heroes fans, I’ll also be posting about video game news, celebrity gossip, and other stuff. If you don’t like video game news, celebrity gossip and other stuff, then you might be out of luck. That’s kind of what they’re looking for over there; the editors rejected my idea for posting a series of grainy images of my penis placed upon various famous works of Western Literature. They said it wasn’t ‘sane.’
Now that the Cracked blog is up and running, I’ll post links here whenever I update something over there. So there should be a lot more activity occurring on this blog at least. Also note that this doesn’t mean there’ll no longer be any original content posted here. It’s just that with a full time job, a full time girlfriend, and a crippling video game habit, there’s only so many hours in a week for me to write amusing things down at the computer.
That said, look for a sequel to my Insane Japanese Halloween Costume piece coming soon. Also, I’ll try and get some Robotman-specific stuff coming for you shortly.
Sorry for the lack of updates recently. We’ll just say that after moving my blog over to the new domain, I got distracted by some other things then forgot where I put it. You know how it goes.
I haven’t been completely idle however. Over on Cracked right now is my latest and greatest entry in the canon of Heroes speculation: 5 Questions Season Two of Heroes had Better F#&king Answer
Over on Digg, this got dugg like 1200 times, which I’m told is pretty good. Not that I’m suggesting that you slavishly follow what’s hip and cool with the kids these days.
But those kids are hip and cool for a reason…
So one day I was wandering around the internet looking for pictures of guys with mustaches, when I came across this:
Now I’ve never heard of Mr. (or Ms.) Joop Van Den Ende before, and even though I’m sure they’re a very lovely man or woman, I knew looking at this poster that whatever qualities the real film ‘Zwarte Ruiter’ possessed, I could direct a far better movie myself. It would feature such characters as Hat-Man and Police Officer Who Views Things From A Distance And Is Also Hatted. There would be gunplay, and sex, and sex featuring gunplay. It would be awesome.
But it turns out that making a movie is pretty hard. For one thing, I was going to need a lot of black and white film and fedoras, and I had no idea where to find either. Also I may have gotten bored with the whole idea, or possibly distracted by an entertaining new game show.
So I’ve been writing stories and making photoshops for a little over 2 years now, which means I’ve got dozens of little folders littering my C drive of jokes and gags that I’ve shared with friends on the various forums where I hang out. Here’s a sampling of the funnier stuff, all beautifully restored and digitally remastered.
Jason hurriedly pushed his new lover in to the closet, turned and closed the door behind him. While on the phone ordering a pizza, a barely audible burst of static told him something was amiss. He was being watched… no. It was worse than that. Fourteen armed assassins were at that very moment rushing up the stairs of his apartment building. Another five were coming up in the elevator. They were led by a Frenchman, who limped and had grown up terrified of disappointing his mother. Jason could tell all this from a small burst of static because he was an incredibly good spy.
“Be quiet, and keep your head down!” Jason spoke sharply at the closet door, silencing the protests coming from within. Deciding that the Beretta in the bedroom nightstand was too far away to be of any use, he scanned the room looking for weapons. There in front of him was the coffee table with two remote controls and a thin black rod resting on top of it. That just might be enough…
The first assassin burst through the door of the apartment seconds later, firing his submachine gun wildly. He was killed a split second later when a coffee table came flying through the air, striking him in the part of the neck that kills people that Jason knew about.
The assassin fell backwards in the doorway, impeding his colleagues. This bought Jason precious seconds which he used to cross the apartment and seize the broom left leaning on the wall. Flicking it expertly in his hands, he lunged forward at his attackers, spearing five assassins who had finally gotten untangled, only to enter the apartment and foolishly stand in a line.
Having closed the distance between himself and his attackers, thus nullifying their range advantage, Jason quickly dispatched the remaining villains by knocking their heads together. They tried to shoot him, but Jason Bourne moves so fast he makes regular spies look like statues of guys carrying guns.
Standing in his apartment doorway, a ding from down the hall warned Jason of the second wave of attackers. Seizing a sidearm from one of the downed assassins, Jason pivoted in a blur, shooting the men who exited the elevator. POP POP POP POP! He paused. His magnificent spy brain knew something wasn’t quite right.
The Frenchman was behind him the whole time! Holy shit he’s good!
In a blur of fists and knives, Jason’s gun was knocked away, his wrists and forearms earning deep cuts and scratches as he fended away the blows. Jason tried to hit him in the part of the neck that kills people that he knows about, but the Frenchman knew about it too and easily blocked the attack. Jason backed into the kitchen, his right hand groping around the counters behind him, searching. Finding what he was looking for, he brought it around and wielded it expertly at his approaching foe. The Frenchman paused momentarily, reevaluating his strategy at the sight of Jason armed with an oven mitt.
Using the oven mitt in an impressively unorthodox, and basically indescribable way, Jason managed to knock the knife from the Frenchman’s hands. Their limbs tangled together, and the two impossibly gifted warriors grappled with one another, trying to seize the upper hand. They clattered and crashed across the kitchen, then backed out into the living room, knocking over the large heavy trunk lying there, scattering it’s contents. The Frenchman, momentarily distracted at the sight of the trunks contents, let his guard down briefly, allowing Jason the opportunity to punch a hole clean through his chest.
As the assassin lay there dieing, Jason seized him by the collar, shaking him. “Who are you working for? Who? Tell me! I told you, I was through with this! I’ve told you guys like a billion fucking times now! Holy shit! Am I in crazy-land here?”
The Frenchman let out a sickly rasp, struggling to get the strength to respond. “It’s not you Jason. There’s another. More powerful.” He coughed, sputtering up blood.
“Who is it? Is it more of this Tombstone superspy business again? What, does the CIA get a fucking bulk discount on unstoppable killing machines? Do you need a Costco card for this shit?”
The Frenchman shuddered, his life slipping away, before finally gasping “No…. not a spy… it’s….. Harrrrrrr……” He died without finishing the thought.
Jason dropped the dead spy to the floor, and walked purposefully to the closet door. He opened it, briskly stating, “Come on, we have to get out of here.”
“Holy shit!” yelped Harry Potter, who had been watching through the slits of the closet door. “That was fucking intense!” The two of them carefully stepped over the bodies littering the room, and fled into the night.
So I’m sure some of the more observant of my readers will have noticed that this blog is no longer hosted on cracked.com. Also it’s now blue. Changes abound!
You might also be wondering just what the hell happened here. Did I get kicked off of Cracked? Is it because I was too funny? Or not funny enough? Is it because I seduced and bedded the bosses teenage daughter? Or because I didn’t seduce and bed her hard enough?
As it turns out it was none of those thing (I think.) Here’s what happened. Cracked is going through a bit of a redesign, and part of that redesign was a phasing out of the current iteration of Cracked blogs. This certainly doesn’t mean an end to my relationship with Cracked. I’ll still be writing feature articles for them, and will likely be involved with other interesting projects there as they turn up as well. It just means an end to the faithful old robotman.cracked.com domain.
In place, I’ve got my own brand new domain set up. Aside from looking a bit more professional, robotmantheblog.com should be a lot easier for you to remember, and shorter for you to doodle on random surfaces around your campus or place of work. Also, I’ve finally ditched the old html I stole off a cat lovers web site, in favor of a slick pre-made template. I think it looks pretty sharp, and hope – nay, command – you to agree.
I’ve spent a couple days getting this new site into shape, but there’s bound to still be some busted links, or missing images, or things that don’t line up quite right, so if you see any, please, please, please let me know about it, so I can fix it. Email any problems to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll be eternally grateful.