Rob Zombie’s in town, like once every 5 years. And you’re getting older every day.

Amazingly enough, it’s actually my anniversary the same day, and my wife gets really picky about me missing that. Alright, I’m just kidding. My wife doesn’t really care either way.

It’s just that when you came to my birthday party this year, none of my friends really liked you, so I didn’t want to inconvenience you in a similar manner. In a way, my only crime here is being too sensitive.

But I called! Of course you wouldn’t be able to hear what I said! I called from a bar! Yes, it was a strip bar. Here’s the thing though: I went to see gay strippers. Exactly. There’s no reason for you to be upset. Well, different reasons. Yes it’s because of something you did.

You know what I’m like at parties. All with the getting really drunk, and the leering at your friends tits, and the endless discussions concerning the faults of various ethnic groups. Did you really need that on your special day?

The thing is, I basically forgot until the last minute, and couldn’t think of a gift to get you. So I could have a) gotten you something stupid at the last minute, or b), showed up at the party without a present like some kind of jerk and utterly humiliate you in front of your friends. So really, the only sensible thing to do was join the crew of a crabbing boat. Which is where I’ve been the last 5 months, incidentally.

You know how you always tell that joke “No, I’m turning 21! Again!” and laugh that way you do? Fuck do I hate that.

You know how you told me that the only gift you ever wanted was to see someone get 100% on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? You don’t? That’s unfortunate, because it involves what I was doing on your birthday. I suppose the lesson here is that to avoid these little misunderstandings, we should probably start recording our conversations. Exactly. Like powerful business executives.

I told you I was busy that night. I was helping Mark move. About 3 pm. Yeah, I know, but its so far away. Well, sure it’s technically only 3 blocks, but that’s not what I meant by distance. I meant emotional distance.

Because you’re old now, and I don’t like you any more.