Top 10 Things To Do With a Box Of Hamsters

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10: Strenuously claim to friends that although I am 27 years old the hamsters are in fact pets, and not for sex.

9: Misread urban legend, spend several hours attempting to get high by licking the back of hamsters.

8: Debate the merits of supply-side economics with staunchly conservative hamster pundits. Win debate by sealing pundits in transparent plastic ball; rolling down stairs.

hamster2.gif7: Place hamster in slingshot, stretch slingshot back as far as it can go, hold for 10 seconds then gently ease back on the tension. Explain to hamster that he has just learned an important lesson about trust.

6: Attempt to teach hamsters simple tricks, like “Fetch.” Start with small objects capable of being fetched by individual hamster, but imagine moving up to larger objects that require several hamsters acting in unison to fetch. Envision lively cocktail parties where drink trays are propelled across the floor by hamster teams; newspaper society columns declaring me Host of the Year. Grow bored with hamsters when “Fetch” training stalls. Forget about box of hamsters for two weeks.

5: Have adorable funeral for 3 hamsters that died of neglect. Make heartfelt promises about always caring for hamsters. Later decide promises were unrealistic, and made when emotions were running high, thus legally invalid. Dump out box of hamsters in backyard, let nature take its course.

4: Nature takes its course via its preferred technique of sweaty fucking. Backyard hamster population grows rapidly.

3: Become alarmed at large city of Hamsters that develops in backyard. Called Hamstropolis, and composed entirely of transparent plastic tubes, the Hamster civilization develops its technology rapidly.

2: 6 months later hear knock on back of door. Hamstropolis has since expanded largely underground so am shocked to find out hamsters have rapidly evolved. They are bipedal now, approximately 5 feet tall, and still adorable. The knock on my door was from Hamster emissaries come to treaty with me for trade rights. After lengthy negotiations centering around lettuce tarrifs, treaty is complete! Hamster emissaries explain how deals are concluded in their culture.

1: Sex with hamsters.

15 thoughts on “Top 10 Things To Do With a Box Of Hamsters

  1. Not your best work, but still made me laugh. Seems like everyone’s a critic now. If these fuck-asses want something to critique, I’d suggest they watch I Know Who Killed Me. (Reference to Family Guy) I think Death came for Lindsay’s career.

  2. Why are the negative comments all from anonymous? Because they’re afraid of what your enormous hamster half-breeds would do to them if they found them. Stupid anonymous people.

  3. yeah…i’ve heard betta and i agree with Kwame!!!:P some of these things sound barbaric but they end up okay…not so sure about the three hamsters that died…im a great animal lover and i hate the sound of it…and i hate the sound of you breaking your promises to them… but otherwise very funny!!!

  4. Grammar?
    Really?
    You scour the internets to fix grammar?
    I have sex with women after consuming dangerous amounts of contraband. You should try it

    Fuckin Clown Shoes

  5. The slingshot alone made me laugh out loud, and then look up how much it would cost to buy a slingshot and an imported box of hamsters.

  6. I would like to contact you in regards to an Affirmative Action program for Gerbles. Please forward your contact information asap.
    Regards

  7. u r SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mean and crule to hamsters i bet all pets hate u wish u the WORST OF LUCK I HATE U *.*

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